My Journey Came to an End

I can’t think of a title to this entry. Not yet. How do you sum up hard choices in just a few short words?

I finally made one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. I chose to donate my perfectly imperfect embryo to science. Against my own morals and values. Against my hearts wishes to give that baby boy a chance. Instead, I chose to do what was right for him and let him go. I chose to love him so much before even getting the chance to see if he’d be successful and gain a heartbeat. I chose what I feel was best for him.

My heart is broken. I’ll never see another positive pregnancy test again. I’ll never know if he would have been a success. If his heart would have started to beat. If he’d been born healthy with beautiful dark hair and big pouty lips just as I picture his sister would have looked like. I’ll never know if holding him was an option. If he’d of been my rainbow after so many storms. After a loss that nearly killed me. I’ll simply never know.

I truly believe he deserved a chance and there was a high likelihood he would have self corrected and turned into a perfect baby boy. I believe life starts at conception and I believe he was a real baby inside of that little embryo. I believe there was a big chance the results were inaccurate. He may have been healthy all along.

However, I’m not positive he’d of self-corrected. I’m not positive he was healthy. Finally, after so much soul searching & tears… I decided it was selfish of me to go through with the transfer. I wanted him to fill a hole in my soul. I wanted him to love. To give purpose in my life. To help ease the pain of losing my last baby. I wanted to see the outcome of that transfer. I wanted to prove doctors wrong. I wanted to say I gave him a chance.

Yet, what if that chance didn’t give him the life he deserved? What if he was born with a genetic condition due to my selfish need to give him the chance and prove the world wrong? What if he suffered his whole life? How was that fair to him? What if he was healthy and survived… Just to be raised by a single mother who would be over 60 before he graduated high school? Is it fair to bring him into a world without a father? To choose to give him a disadvantage from birth? To birth him from genetic lines that struggle with alcoholism and addiction? To bring him into a world that put bluntly – is pretty shitty these days.

No. That wasn’t fair. At all. He deserved more than I could offer him. He deserved a life I know I couldn’t give him at this time. A life I’m not convinced I’d of lived to see fully grow up.

So I made the decision to say good bye to him, good bye to that dream, good bye to the fight of infertility. With nothing to show for it but a broken heart and a lot of wisdom I wish I never had to learn.

Donating him to science – At least he’ll never feel pain. There’s no risk he’s born disabled and dealt a hard road. No risk I’d have to consider TFMR and know he could feel the pain of that. Maybe doing research on his embryo will help them determine where genetic testing goes awry. Maybe it’ll help them realize the test is a lie or maybe it’ll prove the test was accurate. If nothing else, maybe it’ll help someone else have the child they deserve. Maybe someone else can have their rainbow.

I’d say I’m at peace with this decision. But I’m not. I know it was the best choice for my potential son as I know no matter the outcome he deserved more. I’m sad though. Sad that chapter is over. Sad I’ve given up. Sad I’ll never hold my sweet Annabelle or know what the fate of my son would have been.

I was so naive when we began this process. Naive enough to believe it would end with a health baby in my arms. Naive enough to believe Max & I could survive the struggles of IVF, infertility and baby loss. Naive enough to think this had to have a happy ending.

Now I know the truth… I know the things that we simply don’t talk about enough. Know the unspoken heart ache of it all. I know how unfair it all is. Know the pain behind the eyes that have lived through all of this.

My choice is made. The papers are signed. Now to heal. To learn to be happy with myself. To learn to love myself. My heart hurts, but I’d make the same choice all over again. I’d say good bye to my perfectly imperfect embryo all over again. I’d do whatever it takes to ensure I don’t bring a child into a world & life they don’t deserve.