One Week After Loss…
The world continues to spin. Life goes on. Though, it often feels as if my world has stopped – the one around me just keeps going. It moves on while my pain only emanates from my soul.
I miss her. I miss her every second of every day. The deep kind of missing that hurts so bad and makes your heart feel like it’s actually so broken it may stop beating. Some nights I beg for that to be the case. For it to just stop beating for today. I’m tired of feeling. Tired of hurting. We’d made it to 12 weeks. We were supposed to be okay damn it.
It isn’t fair. I’m sad, but I’m also so freaking angry. Angry at God, angry at my doctor, angry at my body, angry at anyone I can possibly be angry at. This shouldn’t have happened. It’s bullshit.
This week I had to return to the world – It’s my first full day of work today. It’ll be my first waitressing shift tonight. I’m dreading all of it. I don’t want to talk to people, I don’t want to pretend to care or to pretend to be happy. Yet, I know laying in bed isn’t getting my anywhere. It’ll never get better if I don’t try to resume life. I just wish so badly I was still doing life with my baby.
Those days last week are hazy – to say the least. I honestly don’t remember much from the day they said she was gone to a few days later. It took 5 1/2 hours of literal labor to finally have her and all the tissue that came with her. The longest 5 1/2 hours of my life. It hurt so bad. It was like a contraction that just never ended. Yet, afterwards the mental part hurt just as bad and I was wishing I could have just had the physical pain forever as that was better than the emotional pain that followed. I was so angry I made it 12 weeks if she was going to die – That far along everything looks like it should. A tiny baby. A sac that seems large. It was not a great experience.
I purposely saved everything to have genetic testing done. Then my doctor didn’t even get the right test and I have no genetic testing. I’m so freaking angry over this. I WILL be going to a different doctor if there is a next time. Fuck him. He made some comments that in the moment I didn’t care much. Afterwards, no that is NOT okay. I’m not here to compare losses. I’m not here to say I hurt worse than you or your loss was worse than mine. Every single loss hurts deeply. They may hurt differently depending on the circumstances, but they hurt horribly no matter what. Yet, he said things like “It’s sad, but it’s even sadder when it’s a full-term loss.” “This is too bad, but it’s even worse for women who will never be able to get pregnant. We know you can now.” “This is hard, but it’s harder on XYZ.” FUCK OFF. Maybe I’m overly sensitive, but I feel it’s just not right to say this shit. Yeah, a 40 week loss would be devastating. But this was freaking devastating. I WISH I could know what my baby would have looked like. Each loss has different hurts, different reasons it sucks…. But in the end they ALLLLLL fucking suck. It’s not a “who has it the worst” competition. I’d liked him, but I just think his bedside manner needs some attention.
What now?
Well, I ordered more supplements than a person can imagine yesterday. I need something to focus on. Something to throw myself into. I need hopes and dreams. I need a purpose. So, I researched, joined more groups and ordered supplements.
All things to hopefully make my eggs healthier and to give me a Euploid (normal) Embryo. Because YES I want to do this again. I don’t want this heartache ever again – but I was the rainbow baby that comes at the end. I want to hold that sweet baby and know I didn’t go through all of this pain for nothing. Because right now, with empty arms, I feel like I’ve spent thousands of dollars and broke myself for NOTHING. And I can’t handle that feeling.
It takes about 90 days for supplements to be really impacting egg quality. So, I’m going to swallow them, apply them, inject them for the next 90+ days. I’m going to make an appointment with one of the better doctors in my clinics practice who specializes in “older” women and follow his protocol for next time. I’ve looked into traveling to Buffalo instead of Colorado Springs – but sadly Buffalo isn’t doing PGT testing. Frustrating. Maybe that will change by January. I want the Buffalo doctor, but also want PGT as I cannot handle losses again and that will help to prevent them. I’m hoping I’ll be ready to begin retrievals in January. No more fresh transfers – Only retrieve, PGT to see if I have any Euploids and repeat until I have the embryo(s) I need/want. I’m assuming I need at least 2 more retrievals, but am mentally prepared it could be 4+.
I have NO freaking idea how we’re paying for this. I guess I’ll just keep working 2 jobs forever. I’m NOT excited about it but it’ll pay for the child we are GOING to bring home someday. So, it is what it is.
I want to do a ton of other stuff too – eat healthy, light exercise (walking/yoga), supplements, calming routines. I will do whatever it takes to get my baby to this earth. I just pray it doesn’t take forever. I need him or her. Now.