Dreams are lost, and hearts are broken…

Hi everyone. How are you all? Me, snowed in. New York got hit with a truck load of snow. Outside there’s a foot of snow. Maybe more.

Anyways, the purpose of this entry. The last entry I wrote that I had something bottled up inside for almost 2 years. Please don’t judge me…

Well I have been thinking about this person everyday. I listen to our song, then I listen to other songs and realize that I the best thing that might have happened to me [other than my kids]. You all remember John…? For those that I have been added since I found out I was pregnant last year, John is my ex…the one I was with before Pat. John was amazing. I left because I miss construed a situation. I wont go into details. Anyways, since him and I separated I was angry with him for awhile and he did his best to get me back. He even wrote me a letter over opendiary cause he knew I would see it here. I kept it just because…I’ll show it to you…

To the Woman who stole my heart,

I just want to write a letter saying how I feel. I remember the first time I saw you way back, I couldn’t help but notice your smile and how cute you were. I didn’t see you again til almost 5 months later when I saw you working at the other store. I kept coming in to talk to you and became friends. I remember exactly what I felt when you ended up in my arms that first night. To say I was happy was an understatement. I have never been one to act on my feelings and I’m glad you did that night. I remember the first night we actually spent together just driving around and then sitting in the parking lot of my store til almost 5 am. I enjoyed the following nights just as much. I couldn’t seem to bring up the courage to kiss you during that first week. I must admit I am abit of a coward like that. When I finally did get up the nerve, I was happier than I’d been in a long time. I remember other times that I won’t go into detail with as this will be posted publicly but each night with you left me hoping for another. Whenever I held you in my arms nothing else mattered except you. The world could have blown up around us and I would never have noticed. The reason for this being as I had the center of my world right where it belonged. I remember alot of good times with you, and I remember the times we’ve fought…. Those days hurt me the most and realizing some of the stuff I’ve said to make you angry really hurt. You know the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. But the things I’ve said in anger… I can’t take back. I remember exactly how I felt the day I got the call from you saying you were going to the hospital. My heart plummeted, I thought I was going to lose you. I rushed to the hospital as fast as I could to see you. I remember staying with you that night. Everything felt right again, I was with the one person who has unlocked my heart and whom still holds the keys to it. I think about you every day. I find myself watching for you at work. I’m a coward though and cannot bring myself to come speak to you in hopes of fixing things. I hope by getting these thoughts down that you’ll see how much you mean to me. To the woman who stole my heart. I ask not that you return it. I merely ask for a chance to fix things between us and heal my broken heart. I love you more than I can possibly try to explain. Without you I am not myself. I Love you Amanda and hope with all my heart we can fix things.

Broken Hearted and Lost,

John-Thomas

It didn’t really hit me at that point…and I really didn’t think it would at all. Little did I know that when I found out he was with someone new and the newness of my relationship started to fade, the letter kicked in and I have regretted almost everything ever since. I think what happened is that when you get put down so much you feel that you don’t deserve great things, and John was too good to be true so I almost deliberately fucked it up because I felt I didn’t deserve someone so amazing as him. Well guess what, I don’t deserve how Pat treats me either.

He was the one person I wanted to marry. I know I said yes to Pat, but seeing I have so many doubts now, I don’t see myself marrying him. At times things are good between us, but there are more times that not that a bad. At times I want to leave but at times I feel I have to keep it together. I think about John on a daily basis. I basically see him everywhere. He’s like a vision walking toward me but I never get quite close enough to reach him. For these 2 years we haven’t spoke and I haven’t had a chance to tell him any of this. He wont talk to me. The last time we spoke was over AIM and I wanted to talk to him and he said [I’m paraphrasing] that he didn’t want to talk to me for his own sake. The whole reason we aren’t together is my fault, and I know this. I see his picture all the time on myspace. I read all of his past notes. But, he didn’t stick to what he said either. He said that we would also have contact no matter what just as long as I was happy and if not being with him made me happy then he would respect that. I never cheated on him, contrary to what certain people say. Pat just kind of fell into my lap. John loved me so much that he was smothering me. I didn’t know what to do. And to make matters worse…he ended up dating the person that said that I killed my first child…the miscarriage. That tore my heart out and to this day I still shutter at that thought. She even wrote in her OD that ever since me, he hasn’t been able to have a normal relationship. Another thing that gets me too is that even though Pat happened, he has an ex that left him to get married…or something like that. Don’t quote me because I can’t remember the exact details…and he did everything to stay in contact with her. He even kept letters she wrote him telling him that she made a mistake and wanted to be with him. So why me?! I understand the whole you can’t be friends with someone you love…but…what could have been? Now he’s gone. He moved back home to Texas. He’s blocked me from AIM, myspace, here, everything. I think I have his email but I start with so much to say but I don’t say anything all at the same time. I can’t just pick up the phone and be like “JT I am so sorry about everything, I’m still in love with you.”

God…I still love you…

♥ Amanda

.The Angel.