Dear Diary

I feel like im playing pretend with everyone I’ve been dating. So I went thru my hoe phase when I was between the ages of 18-21 it was a rough time I meannnnn it was cool but sometimes it wasn’t cool. but yeah anyways that’s what led to my 2 year long celibacy. thennn when I moved here I for some reason wanted Deric like whyyyy girl?? whatever I have no idea actually I have daddy issues hahaha but that led to a GD 3 year long on and off crazy drama blah blah. When I met Deric I was 22, figuring shxt out. Idk that’s what im still doing but at least im a lil grown lol. He was in his mid thirties and going thru a divorce. people say he’s ignorant. and I agree with them most of the time. he’s just one of those “know it all” people and for the most part I liked that because I could actually ask him for advice and he was so reliable and helpful and ugh I don’t miss him!!! but he also like to do it in an annoying way also like shut up lol gawd hahaha. idk I did it tho I broke my fkdjfki abstinence with him and I can’t say I regret cause I don’t I loved him but like I just shouldn’t have even went there lol. But were like done done and like im ok lol its been since early January since we broke up. so its been a cool lil minute.

Um but I can’t remember exactly when but I started talking to Jay a month or so later haha then we finally saw each other when I invited him to my birthday in march. it was good it was cool. 🙂 I’ve been telling everyone for years, even him, that’s he’s the one ! that he’s the love of my life !! im obsessed with him! lmaoooo omg but seriously tho! like I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I have never found a guy that I have both found attractive AND had that special vibe with. Like I need a deep tru love im such a romantic. (but also like a little twisted in the head) it’s sometimes not a good match. SOOOOOOOOO that’s why Im trying out this new thing where I don’t self sabotage and set myself up for failure and going for somebody that I dont even like that much.

Oh yeah I left out the part where I also “dated” Caleb for like longer than I ever should’ve. see that’s what im talking about. I just be pretending with these guys. he was like an hour drive away from me so it was perfect . he did what he did, and sometimes, a lot of times just come stay the weekend with me. and yeah it wasn’t serious if was just cool. we was just messing around and playing pretend in between both of our relationships hahahah. now that im thinking about it .

Timelines all mixed up I was shuffling them three boys back and forth since 2020 . I can’t keep track.

Anywaysssss im done done with Deric and Caleb now for good. I will probably, hopefully never talk to them two again. I might see them and be regular cause I know we could eventually be cool but I wouldn’t like seek that out. only if necessary. but yeah me and Jay have been wanting to get more serious. he told me how he felt finally and we said we love each other im going hyperventalate hahah !!! but yeah so that’s where were at now and um yeah.

So I don’t know what it is this time around but it feels different. this is the 3rd time we’ve tried talking omg I KNOW! I ghosted him summer ’20 :’) and he got me back in summer ’22 HA I was down bad. I was so down bad I went and f-word Deric. they all love me so they would all of course come back to me duh. can you paint the rest of the picture?

No but back on the topic of Jay, I want this to work and I think im at the point in my life where I actually do want to try with someone. and me and jay got along good, we think alike, he’s not fake deep , he cool and funny I just enjoy hanging out with him and I actually am attracted to him like I said before. Jay is two years younger than me so it was kind of a jump scare going from a well seasoned man to a young man still trying to figure out what he was doing with his life. He reminds me of me, maybe that’s why I like him lol just in love with myself actually. but yeah those years were very pivotal for me and I see him stuggling like I have but you know in a good way that’ll teach you exactly what you need to know going forward into adulthood. He sees me sitting good, and im not even sitting good good yet, but he’s ready for his hard work to pay in already. I went thru h3ll at work for 3 years for things to start finally aligning for me. and I got rewarded at work, he came back into my life at the same time 🙂 but yeah he’s eager. he reminds me of me because he’s mindful but he’s still just now starting that journey as I have been since omg forever. I hate being overly self aware. finally I started being nice to myself tho and I think that’s maybe his next big jump. a lot of change comes with that. I guess our journeys are just somewhat similar.

My grandma doesn’t like Jay because he “acts like a kid” and honestly I can see it. I want a gentlemen, a young lad with manners. I want to be treated like a lady is all. and I would like to stand beside a respectable man.

wow Ive never said that sentence before and lmaoooo because I aint found one yet

so yeah, I think I just found out I dont like jay as much as I thought I did and ummmm idk.

but also maybe im just trying to self sabotage again?????!!!!

who knows. I love all of them too.

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