It’s a few minutes past 7pm.
I sit at the island in the kitchen, typing an entry on the iMac G4 700 (named Cook, because the Cook is in the Kitchen) and listening to my iTunes library while a HungryMan Turkey dinner is nuking in the microwave.
Gordon Lightfoot’s “Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald” just ended, and moved into Alan Parson’s “Brother Up in Heaven” from their album “On Air”. The kitchen lights are turned down low, and they are just beginning to overtake the fading glow of twilight to the west.
The microwave has dinged, and iTunes slips into “Holly and the Ivy” off Manheim Steamroller’s Fresh Aire Christmas album. I sigh as I type, a meloncholy funk holding me in its embrace.
Last night, I saw “The Guardian” with the Fern, her son, and a friend of hers from work. I didn’t start crying until the dedication line came up, but then I always cry at these kinds of movies. Movies about the sacrifices of those who serve…
Also during the movie, when realizing how much the female lead looked like a woman I was attracted to shortly after graduation — she was an intern at the first design firm to hire me — I reached another epiphany: I’m an idiot. Yes, I’ve known its true for some time, but in this case I’m an idiot because she’s yet another hopeful I let slip through my fingers.
What I realized during the movie is that I spend so much time scanning the horizon for how I can change the world, I forget to see what’s right in front of me. I forget to look at my shoes, where “the rubber meets the road”.
I clicked with Laura, but I failed to show her enough attention. The biggest mistake, the one that broke the camel’s back, was not going to her graduation. Not that I knew it was the felling blow at the time, of course, but it was something that I thought I should do (go to her graduation) but right now I can’t remember why I didn’t. I do remember the frantic attempt to contact her AFTER graduation, even harrassing her father at his office in the Department Of Agriculture’s water quality department (my dad worked in the weed and pesticide department, so I had an “in”).
I’m really an idiot this way. But on the other hand, I don’t know if I want to help it.
It really is the way I am. Its a part of my personality, my strategic intelligence, that I keep scanning the horizons for new intelligence, new information to include in my plan for the next Operational Period. It’s my instinct to Serve and Support. And I’ve made so many compromises to my self, my character and personality, that I don’t know that I want to compromise this aspect.
I believe its important.
I believe it makes a difference. I have to believe that.
But I also know know now the cost. I’ve analyzed it and cannot deny the conclusion.
So I sit here, alone on the last warm Saturday night of this year, eating a TV dinner instead of cooking burgers on the grill for a handful of friends and neighbors. Planning to watch “Kindergarten Cop” while I sort through the files I’ve copied onto this hard drive.
I’m putting in a little “quality time” with the iMac. Heh.
*but then I slowly smile*
Tribe Called Quest/Groove Armada “If Everybody Looked the Same” from the Gone In 60 Seconds soundtrack.
Its hard not to smile.
You know, I hear this, and I realize that I can be morose if I want, or I can be chillin’ if I want. This is the hand that I chose, this is the hand I was delt. In this moment, it doesn’t make a difference, because the moment is the same regardless.
So I think I’m going to pop in a retro movie, munch some retro grub, and geek out.
….and if anyone wants to join me, they’re welcome!