Thursday Stuff
On the whole, this has been a reasonably good day. I really liked the social worker. She is young {but, hey, to me, everyone is young} but she treated me as if we were the same age which I liked. She encouraged me to make a real effort to get my massages and I may have one organized. I called Beth {massage person] and asked if she was free next Sunday afternoon. If she says she is, I will then call and ask Bill, Fred’s friend, if he can come for a couple of hours. He has been asking what he can do to help.
Ok, muttering in the ranks coming up. I am really not in the mood to clean out one more portable potty or toilet today. I have done that job seven times today already. Like a baby, Fred has not got complete control back as yet. So, he makes messes {but fortunately. doesn’t play in them as one of my kids did} and then I have to clean them up.
Christmas has always been my favorite holiday yet this year the excitement has been lost in the tears, and the anger and the plain damned tiredness I seem to be experiencing all the time. One of the things the social worker got me to talk about was my feelings.
I think now, that Fred was right to check himself out of the hospital because of the huge improvement in his peace of mind which HAS to affect the healing of his body. He hated that place and had not slept for four nights. He had only ever spent one other night in hospital in his whole life and even that was a check-in-in-the-wee-small-hours and check-out-in-the-afternoon visit. I am still angry that I wasn’t consulted before he chose to leave but have come to realize that if he had consulted me, it would have made no difference to the outcome. He was leaving no matter what. But perhaps if he had consulted me, if he had been able to let me know why it was so important that he HAD to leave intensive care, I would not be resenting so much the necessary chores and the changes in my life that his unilateral decision has caused.
Even though today was a relatively good day, and several small successes can be listed, I am sitting here sad. Dejected. I have lost my optimism mostly, I think, because I am tired.
I have a DVD player to set up on Christmas Day and NetFlix is sending me some movies I think I will really enjoy, and even thoughI have another gift from my younger son and something from my older son to open too, I feel as if I have lost the fun of Christmas. We have a little, lighted tree, we have a few decorarions, we have lights in the window and a lighted star. And we have a portable commode, a machine that makes oxygen, two huge tanks as spares and a couple of small ones in case he ever goes out. We have the clutter of an invalid—cups and glasses and plates constantly having to be carried back to the kitchen. We have an oxygen hose snaking from one end of the apartment to another and we have a walker constantly slamming into everything and knocking things down. All, I hope, temporary. But I can’t help thinking, “What if they are not temporary? What if this is the best it is going to get?” Am I able to do this? Can I live the rest of my life like this? Is this what I want to do?
Ok, some practicalities. Things I need to do tomorrow:
- Get a load of clothes in the washer. Mike and Melanie are gone for a week and I can wash any time.
- Vacuum the floor.
- Clean the clutter off the table. Most of it is mine anyway.
- The dishes are done. I have kept on top of this chore today.
- Leave positive feedback for a very pretty hand-made lampwork bracelet and earrings I bought on Ebay from woman in Canada. It finally came in but it is not her fault the Canadian Mail is so slow. I have run into this before when ordering from Canada even when it is not the Christmas season. {Mind you, here in the States,my son once sent me a check from Mississippi to Vermont and it took a week. We concluded it walked here.}
- Get a walk in somehow. I can leave Fred alone for 30 minutes as long as he has the house phone and my cell-phone number. Oh, and as long as I remember to turn the cell phone on! LOL
- Since my library books are overdue, I could carry them back on my walk tomorrow and drop them through the slot into the book drop that, thank goodness, I am NOT going to be emptying on the first day the library opens. That chore really made my back ache.
Until later..
Well it seems you are a very strong woman. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas. Even with all the trials you are facing, you deserve some happiness. You have really inspired me! Thanks
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I’m so sorry this Christmas has to be darkened by this sad and sorely trying time for you both. It really is harder on the caretaker than the patient oftentimes. And you should have been consulted, TRUE! But I’m so glad you are availing yourself of the wonderful help the social worker can give. Having someone to talk to can be a life (or sanity) saver! I hope tomorrow has some brightness! hugs,
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I sure hope you can get some decent rest soon.
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It is hard to retain enthusiasm for Christmas when life’s circumstances conspire to put you in a position like that. I sympathesize, I’m feeling the same & have for years. I love Christmas decorations, but it seems pointless to put them up,when there’s only me to see them. I’m trying to redefine but it’s a slow process. Can you try taking just one day at a time? That might make it more bearable
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than a future of unknown length that never gets any better. It will change, change is a constant. You just don’t know what that change will look like yet. I hope that Fred gets better as quickly as possible, and sounds like he’s on the right road. I’ll hold both of you in my thoughts & prayers, for different reasons! {{{Patrisha}}}
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my thoughts and prayers are with you and Fred….. (((hugs)))
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yes get your walks in. they aren’t optional. if you don’t take care of yourself you’ll be no good to him. you know this, of course. i think it’s so important the way you are facing things head on. such as, what if this is not temporary? You are being open with yourself, not shoving it under the rug.
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Sorry that you are in such a funk now. I can well imagine. Say to yourself that this is TEMPORARY. Everyday you will probbaly see signs of improvement. For now go get the massage and be kind to yourself. You are important too.
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I know how overwhelming all the equipment is – taking up space and quiet and dollars – and just being there hour after hour, day after day. And however hard it is for you, and it is very hard, it must be worse for the other person. Gosh, I’m sorry. Maybe getting his friend involved more will help.
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I’m glad that time and a talk with the SW has helped you to deal with things a bit better today. If I don’t get by before the 25th…Merry Christmas to you & Fred, well, as merry as you can make it, all things considered.
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I’m sorry this difficult time has to come at the holiday season as well. My thoughts are with you and your husband.
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Oh, goody for you!!! I’m happy that the social worker talked you into doing something to take care of yourself. I think the walk and the massage will make a world of difference, and letting his friend help is a good thing.
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I hope there are a few things on Christmas that make you smile.
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Best Wishes For the season. Your christmas present this year, i guess is having fred with you still He will soon be well again and maybe you could have a second small chtristmas when he is to celebrate his life and yours xx You keep on moaning, it helps Merry Christmas
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You amaze me. You sorted through the whole thing and if leaving the hospital brought peace of mind to him, then so be it. But you had a right to be concerned and not being asked or consulted was not right. Take care friend. Hugs and Merry Christmas.
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I like your list of ‘practicalities’, Patricia, because these are the types of things that can keep you putting one foot in front of the other, one moment to the next. I think, and hope, that things will get better. Not having to clear out the library drop box is a real bright spot.
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I see your point about it being the right thing for Fred to check himself out when he did, but it sure is a good thing that you and he have some help with a visiting nurse and a social worker.
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I’m glad you’re going to have some help, and to be able to walk. It’s going to get better P, it really is. Some of your strength must have rubbed off on Fred at some point. (I had to laugh at the theorhetical picture of Fred playing in the toilet – yes, we can be thankful he doesn’t do that!) Hugz,
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OH man, this is a rough season for you. I am glad, though, that the social worker is validating your feelings, and I hope that you will pull through this, stronger. Bummer on the mail-thing. Just before we drove up to Canada, we got a load of mail, and one of the things was sent from Canada and had a postmark of the previous day. The thing had taken ONE DAY to get to California. I was floored.
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*huggs* and Merry Christmas.
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