I Though I Was Better..

A few days ago…I had a rough day

My work has been slow, and due to miscommunication, my boss thought I preferred days off over working so she kept calling me off work. I ended up only working a half day last week and was stressing out about money all week. She gives very unapproachable vibes so its hard to talk to her about things such as more hours and what not.

I have an option for an alternate income but it was contingent on knowing if I would be working Friday and Monday

My boyfriend took this as me asking for those days off it seemed like and the boss granted them

That’s when it got real

(Side note..PMS might have played a factor, but still)

He texted me and told me I had off the 2 days.

He ended up getting to go to work and I ended up being unexpectedly home alone

I was emotional from pms and had been crying off and on throughout the day because I was worried about money

So when he texted me, I had what I would at this point consider a “temper tantrum” and started uncontrollably crying and I felt like I was out of control. during this, I scratched my arms and one leg as hard as I could.

eventually I did calm down

but later that night I noticed my leg was all scabbed up.

I’m ashamed that I let myself do that to myself. It had been years since I had done any sort of self harm. I was doing so good. I thought I was better.

I should have recognized the signs after I had cried in the bathroom earlier that week after breaking a possession of my boyfriends and had had thoughts of actually cutting myself as a punishment for my actions.

I thought I was better.

I tried all weekend to talk about it with anyone who would listen but my words did not seem important.

I go home tonight and I’m scared of what will happen when he sees what I did to myself. I was hoping that the wounds would have healed by now but that is not the case. I’m just glad its winter and I can wear pants without question.

I just really thought I was better.

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3 days ago

I’m so sorry you are going through this.  I used to hit myself, with rocks with just about anything on hand.  I know the temporary release it can give as you are physically hurt rather than emotionally/mentally hurt.

Remember, you are precious to the world and you deserve to be treated well by everyone, including yourself.