Delving Into The Pool of Soul.


Things have been chaotic, manic, upsetting, devestating, heartbreaking , soul destroying,
We all now that I got made redundant?
Yes, we do, or we do now.
We all know that I went back to bar tending?
Yes we do.
I loved that job.
But I have left it.
They didn’t give me ANY welfare,
so I’m moving back to Ma’s.
This we also know.
I move next Wednesday.
It’s causing me to reflect on a lot of things.
Especially my childhood.
And my parents divorce and the Hell that engulfed that.
I’ve been thinking about hhow I’m probably the one who knows every single persons side of the story.
As a child, and even now I had to listen to every member of my family bad mouth the other side,
As an adult that’s fine, I don’t care.
yet no-one thought it was an inappropriate thing to do when I was a child.
Is it any wonder I wound up with not one Eating Disorder, but two?
In a life filled with never-ending dramas, destruction, confrontations and devestations,
as well as a constant stream of “you’ll do what we say not as we do…”
is it any wonder that I sought control through rebellion and food?
I have often felt that I was the black sheep.
For many varied reasons :
= I’m not as bright as the others
= I’m not as thin as the others
= I’m far thinner than the others
= I smoke
= I dropped out of school
= I left home at 17.
= I didn’t go to Uni when I was supposed to.
= I have tattoos
= I have piercings.

Well you know what?
I don’t care what ANYONE thinks of me,
not friends,
not family,
The only persons opinion that truly matters?
My own.

= I am NOT thick. I am Dyslexic. It just means I learn differently.
= Sixth Form was not the right decision for me.
= I left home because the situation I was living in was getting worse by the day, and I had nowhere to go except for the places that I found myself.
= At 18 my head was not in the right frame if mind for University, it would have been the wrong decision.
= I LIKE MY TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS. I like modifying my body. It is ART, it is beauty.

I am not a black sheep.
I am me.
I may not love myself,
I may not even like myself,
but I know I deserve the best,
I know I deserve a damn sight better than what I’ve been given these past 23 years.
I know that I can and will fight to give myself the best, in the hope that one day I will see myself in a positive light.
One day I will like myself.
One day I will love myself.

I am so goddamn strong that I think I’m weak.
If I was weak I would be dead by now.
I have fought to get where I was.
I got thrown to the ground by an inceredibly feckless, irresponsible, selfish, unthoughtful woman,
she may have destroyed the little life I had built up,
but I will tell you all right now,
I will not allow that woman to destroy the person that I am,
or who I hope to be.
I can rebuild.
I am young,
she is not.
Karma will seek her out,
God will Judge her,
She will be punished for her actions,
whilst I carry walking the path ahead of me,
every twist,
every turn,
leading me to my future,
to my hopes,
to my dreams.

I have come through so much
I’ve been a child dragged on the run,
I’ve been homeless,
I’ve been sent pillar to post to be cared for,
I have lost so many people  close to me.
I’ve been anorexic.
I am an anorexic in recovery.
I’ve been bulimic.
I am a bulimic in recovery.
I am a self harmer.
I’ve been physically abused.
I’ve been emotionally abused.
I’ve been molested by my stepfather.

You think I’m going to let this situation destroy me when I’ve come through all that?
Most people may come ac ross 2 or 3 of those in a lifetime.
I’ve suffered them all withing 20 years o

Fuck my actual life.
I will never be destroyed.
I will always be in recovery.
I am always gaining stregnth.
I am always gaining knowledge.
I am always gaining power.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.



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August 23, 2010

You keep your gorgeous intelligent funny sparkling amazing head held high my darling!