Better – today…sorta

I guess things are looking a bit better for my bf and I.

Sorta anyways. I was home from work yesterday, and we started texting a bit during the day. We got a bit of talk/texting done and we decided that he could come up for a few hours so

1. – we could talk

2. I needed some sugar. (we have not done the deed since July)

It was nice to talk things out with him and explain to him why I felt so hurt and betrayed. I think he gets it. I can only hope he is not lying about "getting it."

And, can I just say for the record: Breakup sex is ahhhhhhhmazzzzing!

We are still not "together" though, and I know he will be meeting up with the girl he has been talking too. He still wants us to stay broken up, mostly because If we go right back into the relationship we will end up down the same road.

I believe this is true, but I can’t help but think he just really wants to see the girl, maybe screw her even?

I told him he was free to date and do the deed – as long as he used protection to actually keep ME safe, should we decide to mess around again.

I know it sounds messed up – that I am "ok" with him dating…. If truth be told – I hate it, and I get really upset when I think about it, so I try to push it out of my mind. I was the one who told him to go away & date in the first place. So, this is my fault.

I can only hope that he loves me enough to come back to me. Which, I am sure (crosses fingers) he will.

I have been a miserable person. And I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to have fun with my bf. I want to go out, get dinner… do couple things. But I never do any of that. I was/am always so afraid to "be myself" around him. Not anymore though. I am a fun person at work or when I go out with friends.

I am NOT going to be scared anymore. I have always felt that if he sees the "real" me, he won’t like me. I feel like I gotta be "perfect" around him and I hate it when I am not.

A week ago, I was 100% ok with him leaving and getting on with his life. I don’t know what happened though. I don’t know why I changed my mind. Maybe it’s cause he was talking to other people..? Maybe it’s cause we talked, finally….? Maybe it’s cause he lied by omission & it broke my heart?

I don’t know what it is. And as much as I’d "like" to dive back in – it won’t be good for us. Who knows, we may never be together again. But, hopefully we can at least be friends.

When we were talking yesterday, I told him that as much as I "hate" him, I don’t know how to live without him. And he agreed.

I was going to try and join a dating site. I went to POF today, almost signed up… but I can’t do it. Actually I don’t want to… I HATE dating….!!!!

And I have never liked POF.. just too many freaks on there. Even when I narrow it down, too many people!!

Maybe I will find a smaller dating site. TRY to get a profile going anyways. Even if I don’t want too, I should try I guess.