o.ld times- oh, how i am depressed.

so, i’m not supposed to be depressed anymore. now that i have a boyfriend (one who has loved me despite), i’m supposed to forget my trivial headgames.

that isn’t happening. my anxiety is incredible; i wish i could see someone for it- but i hate driving so much that i’d rather suffer alone. i know i have no right to cry. i have to keep assuring myself that my mother’s breast cancer isn’t my fault, my dad’s crappy job isn’t my fault, and that i would be better off without a job to ruin my grade point average anyway.

i have the typical american spoiled syndrome- i think everything good should happen to me when it won’t. i know i have a lot of things people dont have: a computer, a room (that i share, but oh well), clothes (from seventh grade, but oh well), spending money, parents…it goes on and on. but something keeps needling me in the brain when i see how successful the one person who means so much to me (kevin) is. but that isn’t his fault. he’s smart, he has parents who introduce him to important people, his family is well-off.

i hate feeling so guilty like i do. i forgot to repark my dad’s car. so i have nightmares about my dad yelling at me for it. so i wake up at 5h in the morning and repark the damn car. as i’m yawning, and feeling sleepy.

so i guess i hope classes will go well today. the impending doom of kevin leaving depresses me even more, but like i tell him, he has to go. he’s lucky he gets to leave bakersfield, as i rot here, sharing a room with my sister, and a home with a psycho woman who depresses herself by pretending she’s really going to die from chemotherapy. yeah, there’s that one chance, but really, if you lose hope, you’ll die anyway.

the worst feeling of depression is the pit in your stomach. like you’ve lost something or someone, when you haven’t. the best feeling i had was last week- staying with kevin for five days (practically care-free) was like heaven to me, despite me getting angry at him once.

i wish i knew the plan so i could keep myself from feeling so unhappy all the time.

-lily.