i. always told myself…

don’t get wound up over a boy again, lily.

but like before, i’m completely torn between happiness and this hole in my stomach. it’s like, my complete mental and emotional health goes into the garbage when he leaves. not only that, but i feel crushed, like he’s going to do something rash when he’s with other guys. i think maybe i believe he will because the disrespectful way he talks to me on the phone. last night he had to tell everyone within earshot that i was anorexic and bulimic two years ago. yeah, like that’s not embarassing.

but really, the main thing i’m trying to do is get through everything. i want marriage and life and freedom and a job. i hate driving to school, spending an hour looking for parking, walking around aimlessly. i hate when my parents tell me i should get a job because i’m not doing enough already. and really, i’m not. everyone else is better than me. i hate comparing myself to others. i just don’t know how to handle stress. i go crazy. i wish i could go to a psychologist, but guess what? i don’t want to drive myself. i’d have to make my own appointment. i need to see the gynocologist- but i have to make the appointment. so it goes undone.

i wish i could get a break from everything. i have lost my appetite when it was so healthy when he was here. it really makes you grossed out when you find a maggot crawling on your pillow, like i did last night. that’s what you get when your sister is a filthy pig. the problem is: i’ve never really lived, so i always feel stressed that i’ll fail. that something bad will come to my relationship. that my parents will disown me, kick me out.

i don’t feel good, and i dont know when i will again.

-lily.