Nobody knows that I . . .
have never had a real girlfriend? OK, I have, like 1. I always say two, but that first one was not a real relationship, just being kids, silly stuff. The second one was so unhealthy (the relationship, not the girl, OK maybe she was unhealthy, mentally). I have dated some, but little success (no relationships came of them). I hate dating, jeez. I am 36 years old. I have people tell me I’m a decent looking guy, but I am very introverted and slightly on the nerdy side.
So, I am dating this girl, J. She agreed to go on a second date with me this Friday. We are going to go bowling and play pool, maybe grab some dinner. If the bowling alley is busy, then we will do . . . whatever, it doesn’t matter as long as we are together. If you’ve read my previous entries you will know she’s a really busy, hard working woman, and she has two kids (ages 3 and 5). I really like her so far. I am pretty sure she likes me, as she texts me almost every day, often says she is thinking about me, has told me I’m “incredibly handsome” on three separate occasions, and has agreed to the second date. It is tough for her when we meet because she has to find a baby sitter for her kids. I honestly appreciate her making time for me in her busy schedule. She tells me that her schedule will be more open starting in May because the kids’ swimming lessons and church activities are ending (they will only be doing the soccer this spring and summer). But, she also just moved into her new house, she is painting, cleaning carpets, unpacking, etc. Oh my!
So, since I think I’m not very good with dating and relationships, I watch youtube videos and read self help blogs, dating advice stuff, how to get the girl, etc. And all the advice says that you can’t be too needy, girls like guys with self confidence and a life outside of them. True enough, I think. But I am very hesitant to try the real counter intuitive stuff. There’s this whole notion that the guy is not supposed to chase the girl, he’s supposed lead, entice her to chase him, and let her chase him. This requires a complicated push/pull (alternating) strategy. The problem I have is not the pushing part. It’s the pulling away. Supposedly becoming more aloof and acting disinterested, arousing a woman’s jealousy, letting her “miss you” will give her a chance to chase you (if she likes you, if she doesn’t like you, then no strategy will work including this one, you move on but never chase). Supposedly the mistake most guys in early dating make (including myself), is we push too hard, come on too strong, too soon, if you will. I try to wait for her to text me most of the time (and she always does). However, recently I have gotten the advice from a “friend” that in order to really employ this push/pull strategy properly, that I need to do something crazy. Since I have supposedly been “pushing too hard” so far, I need to dramatically shift to the pulling away part. He suggested that I make the date with J for Friday, then cancel at the last minute. Make her wonder, arouse her jealousy, mess with her head, if you will. Then she will chase. My mind is saying OH MY GOD HOW RIDICULOUS. I’m telling you now, I could never do that, I will NOT do it. That’s just rude, especially seeing how she is going out of her way to meet with me, take time out of her busy schedule, having to find babysitters for the kids. Oh my God, that would be a total dick move and I could never do it. I’m a nice guy. I can’t do that. But they say “nice guys finish last”. Apparently girls like drama, excitement. Predictability is not exciting and therefore not attractive. This dick move would be unpredictable, that’s for sure. But I like her. I value her. I value her time. I value her hard work. I won’t do it. Besides, I am very much looking forward to seeing her again.
Any females out there have an opinion on this so called “dating advice”? I think I know what you will say, but I’d really value your opinion here.
-AR
I’m much older than you but I’ve done my fair share of reading on this subject. Smiles. I’ve read, as a woman, that I should never chase a man. Never! Let the man chase you. Men like the hunt. I also read that if a man calls me, I should not answer the phone. Make him have to call a few times before you pick up the phone because surely he must know you are a busy woman with a full and active life outside of him. These are the two “rules” that I remember and at the age of 59 they seem silly to me now. It’s all game playing. Nothing more than that. I say be genuine. Don’t be needy but there’s also no need to be aloof. Go ahead and send the girl a text. Let her know you are thinking of her. She shouldn’t always have to be the one to make the first move. Don’t cancel that date. As you say, that would be downright rude. She’s going to call the trouble to make arrangements for her children to be watched so she can spend time with you. She wants to spend time with you. Isn’t that wonderful! Really, my best bit of advice is to be genuine and upfront but continue on with your life by seeing friends as you did before. Going places as you did before. In a healthy relationship, it isn’t all encompassing. Naturally at first it will be because it’s the “honeymoon stage.” But don’t loose yourself in the relationship. Hold on to what is you. Good Luck to you! Remember, be genuine and authentic. No game playing.
@wildrose_2 thanks for the advice. So lol, yeah if all women followed that advice and all guys followed the advice I’ve seen then nobody would be chasing, nobody would be contacting.
@ramblinwreck07 That’s right. LOL! When it comes to dating and relationships, being yourself, being genuine is what it’s all about. Now I’m not saying to text the girl 5 times in one day. That would probably scare her away. But maybe every other day or so just send a sweet and simple text saying “Hi. I hope you are having a fantastic day. Looking forward to seeing you again.” Something like that. Most important, have fun on your date. You are going to have a marvelous time and even if this doesn’t work out, you will be getting good practice.
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