11/14/2010

I think reading LOL cartons has changed my speech patterns and/or corrupted my brain.

My thought right now was “I has a sad.” – Yay for the English teacher.

But that is where my mind is, I has a sad. I don’t know why. I just feel sad. And lonely. I know these are “feelings” and therefore are perceptions; chemical reactions in the mind that affect the thought process and thus, in turn, has an effect upon actions. Much better than LOL speech.

But that doesn’t change anything. What would is if I was aware of what was causing this – hell, any of THIS.

I keep thinking I need a break. But I just had a four day weekend and I don’t feel any better. So perhaps I need to define “break.”

I honestly need a period of time where I am not needed or required to so something for others. Even my dogs. As much as I love them, when I am home all day the constant physical contact makes me a bit crazy. I can deal with the interactions, but always having to be in my lap makes it hard to do anything else. I love them being here, but I am part cat and constant physical contact pushes me towards hysterics.

This just reminds me that I can never be a parent. I am not that strong. I see many good parents and have no idea how they do it. Even when their children are going crazy, or are possessed when no one else is looking, they somehow pull it together and are wonderful parents. Hell, I have no idea how my parents did it and I was present for that. At least I was pretty sure I remembered most of my childhood.

I just don’t know what I need. All I know is something is not right.

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November 15, 2010

I hear you on that one. A week on top of a mountain with NO ONE bugging me. Yeah.