Boreworms

Again, so many half starts and private entries. This time because I don’t want a repeat of what happened when the last time I lost it on a social issue. I feel I need to guard myself mostly because I know how my brain works.

Little things get into my brain – my boy calls them boreworms. Little thoughts, words from others, the events of the day, everything I perceive as having gone wrong drill around inside of my skull forever.

Example, I can think back to a stupid event in middle school, and I still feel ashamed and embarrassed by it. I can think of words said, actions done upon me my freshmen year, shit I did to others because I was hurting, and those thoughts will eat away at my sanity until I cannot function.

Thanks to how I was raised I see everything as being my fault, that something is wrong with me and I have to take responsibility for every thing that happens. That translates as guilt that can cause minor attacks of panic and fear. Fear of losing people in my life again because “I screwed up.”

Intellectually I can look at it and realize that in most instances I actually did nothing wrong, that everything is just based upon my own perspective of myself, which after 32 years is still really negative and damaging.

Now that means I try, probably way to hard, to avoid offending anyone. I spend so much of my time hating myself that deep down I am still convinced that I do not deserve the friendships that I have, the people who care about me – and I am just waiting to somehow go ahead and fuck it all up, to offend everyone I know and have them all walk away again.

There is a part of me that wants to say fuck it – but them the damn boreworms start twisting again…

Of course, there is the curious little child in there to, the one running and playing with scissors, who wants to see what happens when you cut the string.

Screw it – taking at least one entry off of private for now; at least it is mostly a complete thought, more of a tangent really.