Dreaming of Death

Wow – two entries in as many days – I’m getting better at this.

My head fucks with me while I sleep. I had two dreams last night. The first didn’t phase me as much as I think it should, it’s the second that has me falling apart at the moment.

Dream One

An army marching home to a city built on cliffs, along side a river valley (along the lines of the underworld city in Pan’s Labyrinth). The world was frozen – ice, not snow, covered everything. The sun never rose, it was always this half light during the day, and the stars and moon no longer shone at night.

Along the way we were picking up stragglers to add to our forces, to take them home. They had fled, but could not tell us why. None of them seemed able to speak anymore. We stopped the last ‘night’ to make camp, and were attacked by a talking wolf-like beast – it came after whoever I was in this dream, and got its jaw broken by one of the warriors. It still tried to attack me. It was talking, but I don’t remember what it was saying.

The next day we made it home to find it was frozen over as well. The people were ice statues. On the bridge leading back into the city, people and animals (all animals could talk and were considered citizens) were frozen in place, staring at one fixed point in the city.

We made it across the bridge, and looking at the point all the frozen people were staring, we saw the person/thing who had done this. ‘She’ was pale with red hair, dressed in green with faery wings to mock us (this wasn’t ‘her’ real form it was just one that she chose at that point in time – even though I say ‘she’ I have a feeling that was also a decision made to mock us), and ‘she’ was on fire. ‘She’ smiled at us mockingly, and started to melt the ice on the bridge. The people and animals there started to wake up.

One of our army was a little dog, whose twin was frozen to the bridge. He let out a pain yell as the ‘woman’ shot flames at the bridge and destroyed his brother and everyone else frozen there – they couldn’t run. When ‘she’ had ‘freed’ them from the ice, ‘she’ left their feet frozen. They were burned alive.

I woke up to hearing their screams.

Dream Two

I had gone over to visit the ninjas, and they had moved into a large apartment, and it was just them. Everyone else (they have three roommate; two really good friends, and Richard’s girl friend) had walked away from them. Keana (my brother’s girl friend) was visiting – I don’t remember why. She has known them since they were all around 8 years old, and she’s always really cared about them.

I was talking with them and they got mad at me because I was going down to California without them and I was talking about going to Disneyland (ok – random I know) they started yelling at me that it wasn’t fair, and I started on a tangent of I could at least take a vacation because I worked to support myself and didn’t use the people around me. Keana left the room and was standing outside of Richard’s door in a hall way (she’s never been good with yelling or arguing because of her parents) – Richard got mad at me and started talking about how people deserved to be used. Robert got him to leave the room and I sat there and talked with him. I don’t remember what he was talking about really, just that he was defending Richard – like he always has and does.

Richard came back out and started screaming about hurting Keana because she has gotten in his way while he was going to his room. When I stood up to say something to defend Keana, he went after me, I think he had a knife. And Robert just sat there – before Richard got to me, I woke up.

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I don’t even know how long I was lying in bed trying to think again – my heart rate was through the roof. This is just a dream, and I don’t even know how to begin to process it. I was thinking for a bit that perhaps I should write to Richard and tell him and ask him is he is mad at me – but I can’t and won’t. Not only do I not want the answer, I really have no desire to speak to him. Had to same impulse to write to Robert and ask him, with the same result.

This is the second time in my life that I’ve had a dream about them either hurting me or letting someone else hurt me. I’m just not dealing with it well.

Oh, if you look back at the last real entry I wrote: oh my god (favorites only unfortunately because of the subject matter) – you’ll see the beginning of the fall. I found out this morning that Wendie spoke with Richard last night. . .

He had every intention of killing her that night. That only Robert stopping him prevented it from happening, that he is pissed off that Robert stopped him. He wishes he has killed her and that he still wants to.

And Robert still defends him.

OH! Let me add in that since last May, Richard has a NEW job. He is working with the son of his former martial arts instructor, making and selling meth. His ‘sensai’ is either back on cocaine or is using the meth his son is making.

And Robert STILL defends his actions.

Ten years from now, hell even five – they are going to still be in this fucking hell that they have created for themselves, and they are going to look back and wonder how their hopes and dreams died. And I know they are going to blame every one around them, because they are always right and every one else has done nothing but use them and betray them. They think that way even now, and I am so tempted to yell at them “Well take yourselves down off your crosses, use the wood to build a bridge and get over it!” (Thank you Chris Titus for your irreverence)

I am done. I am not putting my career on the line for them, nor letting them fuck over my life. It’s actually good for the first time in a long time – I love my job, my students, my family, and my modified family of choice. Life is wonderful, and they don’t get to destroy it.