Lost – ProseBox entry

I went through the trouble of creating this, but I do not know what to write now. I used to write all of the time – I started on Open Diary in 2004 and was there until it closed. I wrote because I needed to get the words out of my head, because the other choice to let the voices pick apart what little sanity I felt I had.

I stopped writing after OD went away. It was just a website, but for 10 years it was part of my daily life. I wrote all the time to get the things out of my head that threatened to drown me, I wrote to deal with my life when I really had no one that I could turn to or really rely on.

But then things started getting better. I started getting better. The voices of fear and doubt were not as bad and I could ignore them. Some days were fine, some harder, but the good days started to become more and more. So when OD went away I was devastated, but I did not have the need to write. I was able to cope with life and be as okay as possible. There were still more good days than bad ones, and with the bad ones, I had ways to deal with them.

I am not there anymore. It is getting worse and I am faltering. I cannot hold myself together and I need a place again to get it out of my head so I can try to be okay for the people around me who care about me. I don’t want to go back to wearing masks all the time – that nearly destroyed me.

This is what it is like to live with depression. I have been doing my best to manage it on my own, and have been doing okay for while. Not anymore.

I need to start writing again, to get this out of my head so that perhaps I can try to live some semblance of a decent life without having to pretend every moment of my day.

Well, now, isn’t this a cheery first entry?