Not dead yet, I promise

I haven’t written in two months. Haven’t really written anything at all – no letters, poetry, notes, journaling, nothing. And lesson plans and editing essays does not count.

I hit a bad place emotionally and I just didn’t want to deal with it. I felt stupid and childish and actually quite alone, even spending as much time as I do with people who care about me.

I read very recently, “When one is in the process of free-fall, you never consider just how far you’ve fallen downwards, but are rather focused on when it is going to be when you finally hit rock bottom. It isn’t until you’ve hit rock bottom and recovered from the landing that you look back up at the sky where you had just come from until you realize just how far it was that you fell.”

I look back at the path I have walked, at the many times I have stumbled, the many times I seemed lost and could not find my way, I look back thinking I will see the many twists and turns that I have had to face – and I look back and see a straight path. Just as Gaiman wrote about in the Sandman series….

Everything that has happened, every choice, every obstacle has led me to THIS point, THIS place.

And I am okay with that.

I would like to think I am a pretty decent person, others seem to like me and see some value in who I am and what I do. I have a hard time seeing that, but then we need a mirror to see ourselves, and even then the reflection will always be distorted by our own perceptions.

I enjoy my career beyond measure, even with the insanity and the frustrations, I cannot imagine doing anything else, being any where else. With all the late nights editing and planning and reading and worrying about caring – it’s all been worth it.

My life is at a good place. Tyler and I have been living together for almost 6 months, we’ve been together for over a year (16 months, I’m a girl, I keep track of things like that) Not one disagreement, not one argument or fight. Every day is filled with happiness. We work together as a team, equals, a partnership. This is what I have always wanted, and I have actually found someone that I feel is not one of my best friends, but who also completes me and encourages the person that I want to become. Who supports everything and anything I do as long as it is something that I truly want. Who sees me for who I am, and loves me for being that person.

I must not forget the fuzzy cuteness that we share our lives with – one of which who is trying to steal my lunch. I have discovered just how important it is to come home to two happy little furry faces who are just over joyed to see me, who cuddle with me when I feel sick or sad, who just simply enjoy that fact that we are all a family. Puppies who are so in-tuned with us that they can tell when we are having nightmares and wake us up to check on us – I can’t even count the times Boo has done this for me.

As a odd note, I have learned in the process of having puppy cuddle time on the mornings when I don’t have to go to work that Boo’s feet smell like corn chips, and Ob’s ears smell like mesquite or hickory smoke. I have odd puppies.

My home life is not only complete, but I enjoy coming home every day, and my life is peaceful.

I am getting along better with my parents than I have in a long time; mostly I think because of having Tyler to come home to. I’m able to control my temper, to be calm when dealing with my mother and father, and more importantly to calm them down so we can actually talk instead of yell at each other. My mother and I have been friends for awhile, but we are becoming closer and are able to talk a lot more. My first instinct as always when something good happens is to call and talk to my mom.

Sadly I’ve watched my brother spiral downwards into depression and not been able to do anything about it. The economy is hard on everyone right now, and his field of work got DOWN SIZED badly in this valley. Being out of work for over six months for someone like him, who always has to be doing something, was doing very bad things to his mental state. BUT now he’s taking classes and getting re-trained for another profession, and he can always go back when things get better.

My life is in a good place. I just have not been writing because my mind was not and I just wanted to let it all go for a time.

Mentally, I am doing better. I actually want to write again, feel the urge to sit here and type as often as I can. I’m getting back to being me again, and I can look back at how far I’ve fallen, and I see it really hasn’t been that far and that for a change I can not only see the bungee card keeping me from hitting the bottom, but the safety net just in case.