dis moi c’est quoi ton probleme

throwback!

1. List ten things you want to say to 10 people but know you never will.
2. Don’t say who they are.
3. Feel free to comment, but I’m not confirming or answering anything.

i was trying to distance myself from your machinations even before i moved, but when you’re literally my only friend there was much i could do about it. you started out being resentful that i wanted to spend time with my boyfriend, now that we were no longer long-distance – not a good look. the whole roommates thing did not help matters. i sincerely wish my parents had brought that up when we were making plans, and that i had listened. i think almost all of this bullshit could have been avoided if we had just been… not in each other’s space almost 24/7. you having me on a pedestal didn’t help much. i told you i’d fall, not as a self-fulfilling prophesy, but as an acknowledgement that i’m like, a person, who isn’t sugar and spice, but emotional and irritable, who has been the “stable” half of more so-close-we’re-sisters pairs more times than i care to count. i know the score there: either the not-me gets bored with my squareness, or uncomfortable with my unwillingness to baby them indefinitely, or i get fed up with how they revel in their “crazy” or their “broken.” this time, it was both. i couldn’t hang with what your trauma needed (because i’m not your therapist!!) and found your manipulations to be particularly annoying in light that you refuse to pick up on the most obvious of social cues, and you found my stone-walling and cold-shoulders to be hurtful and occasionally triggering. we should have talked about it, but i was scared i would go off on you a la my actual sister, and you.. didn’t want to confront me, i guess? i never did find out why you refused to bring up how my behavior made you feel. was it because it was easier to seek validation for you hurt than examining why i was acting ugly? i don’t know if i’ll ever know, since your brand of heart to heart is to do everything by th’book and not actually feel emotions about it. but eventually you’re going to have to take a long hard look at how you treat your friends and how you interact with them, because it’s not sustainable unless you want ALL your friends to be long-distance relationships. sometimes self-care is kicking your own ass and you never wanted to hear that. un jour tu comprendras.
you really hurt my sister. she’s always been closer to you than she has been to me and that is why you almost broke her. i think you have made a huge mistake- xander is a precious nugget of a child and i’m sure baby #2 is going to be another blessing for you but oh man oh man. you have no degree, you are ostensibly a single mom, you are a waitress who lives with her parents. none of these make you a bad person or a bad mom, but girl you chose to get pregnant again. your life is going to get 1000% harder. i genuinely hope you’re ready for it, but i won’t forget how you chose not to tell sarah. bitch move, girl.
i have been fond of you for 95% of the time that we’ve known one another (excepting all the times that you’ve mocked my sister). as melodramatic as it is to say, it wounds me to think that you’re back home thinking ill of me because of this situation, just because your wife decided i was a bad person. the fact that you won’t fall asleep in the mac at my wedding honestly makes me want to cry. i don’t begrudge you sticking by her, cause she’s like, your wife, but god it sucks so hard.
i wish only good things for you, best beloved. if i could snap my fingers and make everything in your life better, i would do it in a heartbeat.
you. suck. 5 years of friendship down the drain and for what? i didn’t DO anything to you. literally. i read the writing on the wall and stopped bitching to you since even though you have no qualms putting me in the middle of a feud, you can’t handle it when i ask the same thing of you. you do not have the emotional intelligence you think you do. you seemed to think i was furious with you, but in fact i was, totally fine with you until i found out the shit you were saying behind my back. how dare you bring up the shit you did as justification for dropping me as a friend? if you didn’t ~approve~ of my behavior, if you decided you didn’t like the person i was becoming, if you decided i was not worth the effort, that’s all whatever. your decisions. i’m enough of an adult now that if you don’t like me, i won’t be like happy, but there’s not much i can fucking do about it. but to bring up shit from years ago to paint me as a bad person to justify all that? fuck you very much. un jour tu t’en voudra.
i wish we were closer. i think that you think i’m a helpless naive baby who likes fiction too much, so you treat me like i know nothing. please stop?? i want to be your friend, with like jokes and shit, and i think you think i’m stupid. it makes me sad tbh. you’re turning into a really cool person.
i love you dearly but i wish you could like…. chill for 10 minutes. you get so caught up in your own head and cataloging every thing that happens there- you’re obsessed with your trauma a little. and like, i’m sure you also wish you could chill for like 10 minutes but god. i wish you could. it would do you a world of good to come at your issues from a place of calm and strength rather than from the whirlwind you inhabit. you are a storm, a force to be reckoned with. i wish you saw that calming your waves and quieting your winds does not make your statements any less powerful.
i miss you a lot. you know just when to poke fun and just when to be serious and you understand me like no one does, really. i don’t know how i’m going to spend the rest of my life 2 states away from your excellent advice and your emergency aid.
i wish like mad you would move here. i don’t want to be like yeah but you have no friends please move, because you obviously do, but if i know you i know those attachments aren’t enough to keep you in a place where you are increasingly miserable. you keep talking about buying a house- i really do wish you wouldn’t buy it there even as i know you’re gonna. you’re my platonic life partner in gibberish inside jokes and hard truths and unwavering support even when we’re wrong. i haven’t seen you in two years at least, and every time i remember that i reel from that fact. i don’t know how it’s possible that it’s been that long.
please don’t die before i get married. please. just hold on.