Time to say goodbye
I have been wanting to write over the past few days however it hasn’t been a very good couple of days.
I feel like its time to walk away from my marriage. I feel like I fought to get back with this man and I have to question my sanity for doing so.
It’s hard to live with someone you dont trust. Someone who doesn’t see any value in you.
He keeps trying to get me to drink knowing how hard I fought to get sober and I did exactly that 3 times last week until I realized he was trying to control me with alcohol like he used to it was easier for him to hide what he was doing if I was passed out drunk.
Last night I came back from visiting my sister and when I got home at 10pm he started telling me that he wanted to go downtown and hit some bars and I said no and I felt really powerful saying no I ended up cooking late last night since no one cooked while I was gone so I made dinner late and I sat at the table alone as he just watched me from the oven across the room and I asked him “what?” And he said I dont know I am just surprised you wont go and if you dont go Ill get 8 drinks all to myself and I told him he may want a DD then because that’s just stupid.
I cant do that to myself again or my children. I fought way too hard to get sober and to be honest I am really struggling not to go out and buy some today but I am going to stay busy.
He wants a different life than I do. When I drank he never drank, when I dieted he never would he is really toxic to me.
I loved him so incredibly much I have been married for almost 16 years and we have been together for 17 years. He was my first sexual partner my only one.
I’m completely devasted at the affairs I learned about, the money he spent on himself instead of the bills, his treatment of me and our children.
I’m not going to shed anymore tears this time. I am numb to the hurt he puts me through now. Now I can be my best self.
So it goes on.
I kind of get what you’re going through. About a year and a half ago I left a guy I had been in love with since high school. He was bad news. I think I only stayed that long because he gave me the attention I craved. But not the right kind of attention. No one liked him. Everyone saw the bad accept me. I left and then found a new light. Heal yourself. There is something better out there I promise.
Warning Comment
Yeah, I think it’s really huge that you realized he’s trying to control you through alcohol. It’s always awful if a marriage doesn’t work out. But you have to put yourself, and your relationship with your kids first. I’m really sorry things are going this direction. But you should be proud of yourself for recognizing this and realizing you need to move on. He does sound like he is not good for you, at least in some ways.
Warning Comment
I know I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but it makes me feel something I can only describe as “proud” to read that you are standing up for yourself and your children. I know what it’s like to be a child in a toxic home and feel like no one is protecting you. For what it’s worth, that makes you a superhero in my book. ✊💖
Warning Comment
I ended a 21 year engagement over 4 years ago now and it was the best decision I had ever made. I tried getting out several times before I completely ended it. My ex held me prisoner, never allowing me to leave the home without him or kids in tow, I never had a moment’s peace. He never supported anything I did and had a fun time with verbal insulting and gaslighting techniques. In short, I finally walked out that door forever, telling myself I am worth it to live my best life and to become who I was meant to without that anchor trying to drown me. A partner should never encourage bad behavior when you worked so hard to quit. A partner should never make you feel lowly or sad as this the building blocks for domination, control and eventual PTSD. The best thing you can do for yourself most of all is to go and keep going, Gray wall him, block him, never think of turning back, never calling him unless it is for the children, just, go. I promise you that life beyond that will be much more rewarding! Do it for you, when you know for a fact you are ready and nothing will turn you back.
Warning Comment