This is not the end

I wrote my first entry on OD on February 21, 2001. I was in the 8th grade, my spelling and grammar were atrocious, and I was obnoxious to a level that I find hard to believe now, in my old age.

And now, thirteen years later, this is the end.

Or is it?

Open Diary was the first diary site that I joined, but it certainly wasn’t the last. I joined Live Journal shortly after joining OD, and in the last year I’ve become active on Tumblr.

I’m not going to miss OD that much, honestly.

It’s only in the last year that I’ve become capable of communicating with other people. My stint on OD was a monologue, and I wasn’t interested in conversation. I couldn’t converse. I could barely do more than just vomit up the stupid thoughts and feelings that I had no other outlet for.

In a way, I’m relieved this site is going away. I’m nostalgic to a fault, as evinced by my 13 years of entries. I could never delete this on my own. But should it be deleted? I think so. This diary is ugly. It chronicles a really ugly time in my life. I don’t need to be reminded of all the years that I was hurting.

I am sad, though, because I’m not going to get to give back to this community. The people who happened by my diary and left me encouraging messages, the people who read my shitty poetry and nominated me for Reader’s Choice, the people who bought me OD+ subscriptions…I never said thank you. I was trying to pretend that I wasn’t here, that this wasn’t me, that I could excise this part of my life neatly from every other part. I didn’t want to acknowledge myself, so I couldn’t acknowledge anyone else.

I’m growing up, finally, years after I should have, and I can look at myself now.

It goes without saying I’m not fixed. I’m still paralyzed by a lot of the same bullshit that’s been dogging me for years. But even though things still look dark, I feel like…I don’t know. Maybe I can do this. Maybe.

So this is all just a really long, rambling way of saying good bye. All things must end, I guess. And even though OD has been a huge part of my life, it hasn’t necessarily been something I need to hang on to.

Thirteen years, though. Man. How many people have that kind of record of their life?

I have an account on Prosebox, though I haven’t updated it much. I’m much more active on Tumblr (althealexithymic or altheterrible), and I’m on skype (lexxorz). Feel free to add me.

I guess that’s about it.

Right?