26.11.2023

I’m watching mindless TV.  It’s not my typical TV choice, but this weekend it’s my go to.  I just want to shut off and not think about anything.  It’s not working.

A few days ago I was naive enough to think I might be feeling half normal again.  Like one good day was a sign of something changing.  Like there was hope.

When I felt that sense of hope fading I clung on.  I adopted a fake it till you make it attitude.  If you keep pretending everything is wonderful then eventual you might start believing.  So I clung tight and threw myself into the good moments.

Today started well intentioned, but the dark kept creeping in, until I gave in and stopped trying.  Instead of clinging to the good moments I find myself focusing on the negative.  Even those that might not be negative I am over thinking them until any beauty or hope is erased from them.

I have built myself high walls and have only let a select few see small glimpses of what’s behind them.  But even those few scare me now.  What if I let them down further and it’s too dark for them to see anymore light?  What if I should have never trusted them to begin with?  Maybe I should isolate further?  Alone is safer.

Maybe everyone should prepare themselves for the worst.  Keep everyone at arms length.  Rely only on yourself.

I thought writing would help, but it’s just feeding the darkness.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll see some light again.