She checked in.

Out of jail and straight to the male who abuses her till an ambulance has to take her to the hospital, and living in a tent. a bridge troll.  She’s been a tent dweller before. doesn’t cost her anything to live. can buy all drugs and alcohol with social security that is meant to keep a roof over her head.  she got out of jail a week and a half ago. she phoned me and said she was staying with a friend. even had the name and address and all. I did tell her that I didn’t believe her. she had lied many times about where she was staying.  I tried to call her back the next day, which was a Wednesday, to let her know that I need new power of attorney papers. I needed them a month ago.  I didn’t hear a thing until I text her and told her if she didn’t take a call that I was going to come hunt her down. she answered right away. said shes living in a tent. said her phone was going to lose power. she hung up. didn’t hear from her again until last night. she left me a text, while I was sleeping, of course.  told me she was tired of being treated like a worthless piece of shit drug addict.  I have never ever treated her as such. that moment I knew she was with David. he always told her I am terrible and treat her bad and on and on.  it gave him control over her. I told her I know who she is with. she didn’t deny .  

I am sick over this. The urge to go to where I know she resides with her tent is strong.  I want to bring her back here and make it all right in my world.  I don’t understand how she could take off like this ……again.  I don’t want her to die.  I think she will, more sooner than later.  I am sick over this, just sick.  I wont tell the kids.  the first time she was living in a tent she told the kids she was living in the woods. it hurt them a lot to know that.  They haven’t asked about her since I told them she had left treatment and is using again. it took me a few weeks to tell them.. their attitudes changed this last time. They don’t ask about her. I know they think about her, but they don’t ask.  

I feel like I am going to explode.  I am not really angry.  I am at a loss. I lost her 5.5 years ago.  every time she goes back to using its losing her all over again. I cant continue contact with her.  I have to protect me, and the kids, from as much emotional pain as possible.