Holiday Blues

So right now, on my campus we’re on Christmas break.  That means on campus there are only a handful of people.  Probably no more than 30.

Did I mention I live on campus?  I don’t remember.  I live in a dorm called Kreidler Hall.  Its the singles dorm.  Every other dorm people have roommates…  Except this one.  People used to call it the loner’s dorm.  People who lived here didn’t interact with each other.  And the RAs (not the ones that I’ve talked about) had done nothing to bring the people together.

This year has been different.  We have a hall president (pseudo-president, but president all the same) for the first time.  Combined with the two fantastic RAs we have, the reputation of Kreidler Hall has been changing.  Earlier in the year, I made my marinara sauce, and we had everyone come down for an Italian Dinner night.  That was fun.  We’ve also had Ice Cream Socials, movie nights, and I host a movie in my room at least once a week.  Its cool because usually I can pack my room.

Have I told you about my room?  I have a couch, my bed, a desk (which hosts my TV and other video/audio toys, i.e. xbox, playstation2, DVD, VHS etc. etc.) and a small rocking chair (maroon).  So usually, I get about 4 (skinny) people on the couch.  One in the rocking chair, one in the computer chair, at least 2-3 on my bed (laying down, or seated like a couch).  Then sometimes 2 on the floor.  So all in all about 10 people come (sometimes).

I used to have an apartment.  Off campus.  It was a nice apartment.  I kept it clean (but a little cluttered).  It was a nice apartment.  Two bedrooms.  Good size living room.  Big comfy bed that I bought with my own money.  Its nice to beable to say you bought something with your own money.  I had just about everything that I could have wanted.  Nice kitchen for baking or cooking, spacious bathroom, and Maija was there as well.  Surprisingly, I don’t think I’ve told you about her.

She is (well, I should be saying) was the love of my life.  She was my everything.  The yoke of my egg, the yin of my yang (corny, I know… I just had to. lol)  But she moved out and into an apartment two floors below to be with our roommate.  Its not exactly how it happened, but if I had to sum it up, that would be the shortest answer.  I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her, and possibly already was, which she wasn’t ready for.  Its kind of funny, cause at the time, i was getting ready to ask her to marry me.  I had it all planned out too.  I had already set a dinner date to ask her mother, as well as reservations to a fantastic hotel and restaurant in Seattle.  I had everything planned out.  Then things stopped going so well.  The worst part was I didn’t see it happening until it was too late.  Kind of felt stabbed in the back by the roommate who I thought was my friend.

Anyway, here I am, a year later.  Still thinking about her, and Christmas isn’t the same.  Never will be actually.  Which is a shame because its my favorite holiday.

Since then I’ve liked a few people (Val for instance).  But most have not liked me.  At least not in that way.  Oddly enough, the one person I like most (which isn’t Val), I didn’t realize it until this morning.  The worst part is, I think I’m falling in love with her.  She went home for break and we were talking online the other day.  I couldn’t help but smile.  She is a beautiful ray of sunshine on this earth, the kind that shines through the branches in the early morning.  The kind that cuts the darkest clouds, and banishes the deepest depressions away.  Somehow, when i’m with her, I don’t think of bad things: people not liking me that way, how i miss some of my grandparents who have passed away… Maija…  She seems to cast a protective barrier up, shielding me from the harmful effects of these thoughts.  Even now, when thinking about her, a smile comes upon my face.

Which is not good because her and I have travelled down this road, and it was a dead end (for me at least).  However, she has quickly become one of my best friends.  And I will always thank her for that.

*sighs softly* So there you have it.  Every feeling I have had in the last 48 hours is now on here.  Kind of feels good actually.  Even if no one reads it…

Adieu