when it rains it pours

I tried to keep myself busy so far this weekend. I got done most of the things that were on my list, went shopping with Rebecca and my mum, play Super Smash Brothers with Alli, Eric and David… all the while feeling this tugging in my chest. Every time I would look out the window, stare off into the darkness…. every time that I stopped doing something, that I stopped moving I would feel it…. this weight pressing down on top of me….. its horrible. I know that its only going to get worse tonight. After the baby shower I am going to work on more of my list…. then I am going to try and work my iPod and then its off to paint works. I am hoping to get there in the early evening, so I can watch the sun slip away and watch the night creep upon me. I can watch the water in the pond, sit on the rocks, I think at this point its going to be the only thing to clear my head. It will be the only thing that gives me the ability to really look inside myself.

Every time I look at the picture in my right corner… it makes me think of how I feel inside. I always feel like there is rain falling down around me…. and its frustrating to always feel that way. There are only a few times in the last couple months that I can honestly say that I didn’t feel that way….

*sigh*

I wish that life came with instructions. I wish that there was a clear and cut path that we should all follow. I wish I knew what was the right thing to do, if I am following the right path. I have been looking at the signs, searching, paying attention…. I wish I could look ahead into the future and see what is going to happen. I wish that I could look ahead and say that everything will turn out okay. But I don’t know that… the future is always hazy, there is always fog that will keep you from seeing what lies ahead. You can only prepare yourself so much. Life just happens. I know that. I feel sometimes that I am the one making life happen for others…. but I should be making life happen for myself.

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On a different note…. my nightmares that always haunt me in October are back. I woke this morning almost in tears… it will be 7 years on Wednesday. I will not be in a good mood on Wednesday.

*sigh* The dream always starts the same…. him and I hanging out together, happy, and then, its like a crack in the planet, and the whole world gets dark and I lose track of him. I run, as fast as I can, searching everywhere…. and it always brings me back to the same place… that room… the corner…

Its awful….

*sigh*

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Anyway…. I know that things will get better. I know that come Monday, if I can get there, that a lot of this weight I feel on my chest will be gone. I will feel like my heart can beat freely again and things will be more normal. If only this wasn’t all happening in October. But like they say… when it rains it pours.