wise words

[]

i have posted this before but it’s so worth reading for anyone who wants kids, might want kids, has kids….

my friend edie, prompted by questioning from me, emailed me some lovely words on the secret to receiving such outstanding & obvious love from her sons (you have to see them with her to understand)…i asked her permission to share this with all of you…a background note: Bobby, her son, is moving to Toronto for university & all of her friends received an email about how hard it is to see him go…

There is no secret.  You have a bond with Sawyer and you just maintain it.  Talk to him all the time starting now with simple exploration.  Rather than saying, “don’t touch” when he gets to that stage, touch things with him and talk about the thing’s texture, level of delicacy, and why we touch them softly and not too often, or why we don’t touch other things because of danger. 

When you send him to school let him know that you are his advocate…that if a teacher or anyone ever feels the need to “threaten” to call is mom, he should tell that person that his mom wants them to call and that they should.  When Bobby was in grade one, his teacher called me to thank me…she named Bobby as her “little conscience” because she (having a bad day) yelled at him and he kindly told her that she should call his mom because his mom said that teachers don’t yell at little boys…teach him how to speak the words in a respectful way…let Sawyer know that he is never alone and that no one has the right to make him feel that he is.   

As he grows embrace his friends.  As Bobby got older and to the stage where he wanted to be angry with me, his friends wouldn’t let him…they all loved me (still do, and even get me to help edit their university papers now).  Bobby’s friends helped remind him of the positive aspects that were his mom even in the trying times.  And now, with Bobby leaving, his friend Alex is coming to take me out for coffee so I don’t feel so alone.

When Sawyer gets to the stage of challenge, continue talking even though you don’t think he’s hearing you (remember that he is always hearing you)…and, when he’s nine years old, and you scold him for getting kicked out of Boy Scouts and he’s mouthing back—remember that you have raised him to have this wonderful mind of his own—remember that independent thinking and a refusal to bend to the status-quoi can keep him out of a lot of trouble (in the way of peer-pressure…drugs & alcohol) but can also get him in trouble and even kicked out of Scout because he is still young and has to learn the art of constructive communication…  

When he gets too challenging send him to his room until he can calm down and talk, and when he gets to feel sorry for himself, thinking that he has a bad mom, and wants to report you to Children’s Aid…hand him the phone and offer him the phone-number because you want to be the best mom you can be and if those people can help you do that, you’ll do anything…he’ll give the phone back to you, rip up the phone number, and go to his room until he can calm down and talk.  😉   When Bobby was 6 or 7 he told me that I was the worst mom out of all of his friend’s moms and said, “Even Vince’s mom is better than you!”  I told him I love him and the only reason I allow him to play at Vince’s house, and at Grant’s house, and at Leo’s house is because I know that their mom is a better mom than me…that’s one of the reasons why he can’t play in houses where I don’t know the mom’s & dad’s…with that he stomped up to his room and thought about it.

Always talk and always let him know that he is not alone, you are the mom who loves him like no one else can and you are his advocate…always considering his side of any issue that comes up and kindly working out the communication problems between the wonderful person who is your son and this teach who has so many personalities to work with that s/he might need help learning how to properly communicate with him and visa-versa.

I have loved being a mom and I know that I’m still a

mom but my role changes now.  One friend (Eva, who has had a daughter leave home already) emailed me back and told me that we moms know how terribly we are going to miss them before they even leave but our kids don’t realize it until after they have left.  So now I guess I have to make myself available through telephone, email, and MSN.  According to Eva, he’s not going to stop wanting me as a vent, an advocate, and a sounding-board to understanding life.

I am so happy for you Teresa, that you have this ultimate experience that is motherhood.  I couldn’t imagine life as being fulfilling without being a mom.  I already know, through the words of your emails and through your pictures that you are a mom who will be well loved and appreciated by Baby-Boy-Sawyer.  BTW, I still call Bobby, “Baby Boy” (to his face) and if he didn’t like it at age 6 or 9, I might have backed down a little bit but I still call him that and he is endeared by it.  Just love him.

Happy belated Mother’s Day to you.  Extra hugs to Baby Sawyer.  And do have a wonderful week.

if you are wondering who this lovely woman is, she is a friend i made while doing my master’s.  she is lovely, intelligent, serene, & her boys & all who meet her love her.

***