So this has absolutely nothing to do with my ex, I’ll just preface that.
I feel like I have found myself in the middle of something amazing.
This is something that checks all of the blocks. The diamond in the rough, needle in a haystack and every other cliché saying you could come up with.
But the thing is my mind is stuck in, “this must be too good to be true.”
That other shoe will absolutely drop, right?
What if I am the one that precipitates the other shoe falling? Self-sabotage has always been my worst super power.
And what if I just let fall out of my mouth all the wrong things because I do self-sabotage?
What if I hurt you?
Why can’t you just be perfect in the moment? Why can’t you just check all of the boxes?
Why do I need there to be a flaw? Why do I have to expect that things will take a turn for the worst and then that flaw can be the scapegoat?
Why did I do that to you?
I sit here after riding high on what felt like a dream and I’m terrified that I made the first rip. I caused the first bit of damage.
Why did I wait until after asking you if you could really be all of this and that you must have a flaw to have my brain click with the “that was a bad fucking idea” warning?
Why do I ruin amazing but if something is toxic, I’ll ride that wave until it kills me?
I cannot believe that I have done this.
You’ll never read this but you’ll read my other messages, I am so very sorry and I hope somehow this does not ruin everything.