Needing My Beach

dear spydr…

ahh, the sounds of lawn maintenance. i don’t know why they’ve come today – it’s wet and rainy, the snow is only barely melted, and there’s nothing to cut, certainly. they have the blowers out, though, and they are BLOWING THAT GROUND…like someone put mulch down before the snows, and it’s time to remove it. except no one put any mulch down. there’s nothing to blow. maybe they’re trying to dry off the dead, brown grass? i have no idea. all i know is they woke me up before 8am, and i’m not so okay with them being here today.

it’s cold this morning. we were on an upswing with the weather here in new england, but we’re sliding backward again. it managed to snow — and STICK — a couple of days ago. not unheard of at this time of year, i suppose (look at three years ago! hahah!), but we haven’t had anything at all this winter. a weird, non-snowy winter. which you already know because how many times did we talk about how grateful i was? lol uuugh, i should have seen this coming. False Spring. yuck. all i want is to go home, babe, and be near the beach again. i remember you trying to use the beach to sell me on staying with you — hee hee. you were so cute. “…it’s maybe a mile away from my house? we could get up and take our coffee, and head to the beach….get a nice walk in…” sigh. you sold me, all right. i was really looking forward to it…i’m sad we never got to do it.

i’ve been speaking recently with one of my realtor friends. mom and i need to find an apartment around here that’s handicap accessible. her wheelchair doesn’t really navigate in our place well. it’s fine in the living room and kitchen, but it doesn’t fit in the bathroom, can’t even get it in the door. and the “hallway” where the bathroom and bedrooms are is very small. not to mention, the bedroom doors are not wide enough for the wheelchair. all in all, if mom gets any worse while we still live here, she will be relegated to being in her bed. there’s no need for that. so a few days before you left us, i called jamie. i’ve known her since i was in high school, and she’s married to one of my brothers best friends (…i wouldn’t call dougie one of my best friends, though i was definitely part of that group. mostly, we haven’t kept in touch. jamie and leslie and ro and i do, and jen and i are still very much friends….and aeryn. but as for the guys in the group, i only really keep in touch with lou. and even at that, barely. he’s a busy guy with a toddler and all his classes. anyway.). i just figured jamie would be the way to go.

then i got that call from wenda, and everything stopped.

i spoke to jamie yesterday, and explained what had happened. we are going to put the search on hold until all this covid-19 stuff passes, and then we’ll be back to it. i hope we find something good. i’d like to keep it under 1400, but we can handle up to 1600, so. we’ll see.

it’s an overcast day outside. i wish you were here, cuddled up on this tiny bed with me. okay, maybe not. lol i wish you were here so we could make a little nest of blankets and cushions on the floor….and watch movies and talk and drink coffee. i wish i had a patio to find you on. i wish i could freeze time at certain moments, like in the sound booth at Kinky Boots…or the night we went to Funky Biscuit…i wish i could sit outside of those moments, and scroll through them, and watch us together, laughing, tapping our feet, you reaching for my hand, or my face…i miss you so damn much, spydr. and i wish for so many things. people keep telling me this is going to take time. you know me, i like end dates. i like to know when i’ll be okay again, or at least, around when. i’m a planner. i’m…at a loss with this. i feel like i should somehow speed along, and just be okay again. but i can’t. what was it we always said? can’t get over it, can’t go under it, can’t go around it…just gotta go through it. one foot in front of the other, right? think you can give me a push now and again, love?

i listened to James Blunt, Goodbye my Lover, yesterday. it really hit just right.

today, i plan to sing some thriving ivory for my nametwin. anything to keep my mind occupied. and i think i can hit all the notes. i MIGHT have some trouble supporting some of the verses, but i should be okay to muddle through. i’ll be thinking of you when i sing, spydr. i always do anyway, so that’s nothing new.

i guess i’d better get the day started. it’s a little after ten…i don’t wanna. but i have to.

i love you, babe. i miss you. i wish with all my might for you….

lolak

…sugarz