When anything bad happens, real or misunderstanding, my mind goes to the same place – I am a horrible person and everyone hates me. I could deal with the worst person who hates everyone or there could be no rationale for this at all and I would still think – its me, i’m bad, i’m a horrible person, everyone hates me. I get so embarrassed that I feel I need to move to a place where no one knows me and I need to start again.
I don’t know why this is, why I do it, what is wrong with me and don’t know how to stop it. I have to then review what has happened, thoroughly analyze the situation before I can determine “I didn’t do anything wrong here”. Why am I “guilty and worst human being ever” until proven innocent? Why am I so quick to think I am so bad? I do a ton that is positive, I have a great heart, I care and live for others so why am I paranoid and hateful towards myself?
There was a situation where I tried to buy a service dog. The dog was NOT trained like he was suppose to be to I was talking to the business about “can we get where we need to be”? The Biz Owner seeing I saw right through him decided to not make the deal and blame e saying I wasn’t right, I would never be happy, he can’t work with me, etc. I got so upset I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Then he wouldn’t give me back the deposit I had given him. I called my Uncle who is a lawyer. My Uncle looked over our contract, said this guy has had several issues and there was no way I was to blame for anything. He said “You did nothing wrong”. Upon hearing this I fell into pieces- hysterical tears. Some wound inside me had ripped wide open. This bleeding wound does not heal, only gets shoved down and waits ready to surface at any moment.
Under my upset and hesitations, when someone is pleased with me, it makes my whole day. I love to make people smile, give hugs, am ready to be there to help anyone and am a good person.
In my latest learning, I think this is a girl thing I have heard other women are like this, battle this, struggle and are all trying to learn to love themselves. Any words of wisdom or relation is welcome. 🙂