Mum’s Death
As I said in my previous post, my mum died on October 4th 2023. She was just over a month shy of her 84th birthday. A good innings, so people say.
She had Parkinson’s dementia and I have written about it a little in previous posts. It was extremely difficult to deal with. In the last few months she was in a care home where they could handle her illness. We used to bring her home every Sunday for dinner and a game, which was nice. However, in the month before she died that became harder and harder.
In the week before she died, the care home told us she was declining so we were on alert. However, we were used to that with my dad. We have been “on alert” many times for him, and he always seems to bounce back. So we kind of expected mum to be the same. On the morning of 4th October my sister called me. I was at work and was on the phone to a customer, so I did not answer. I called her back and she explained the home had called her to say mum had taken a turn for the worse during the night. My sister said she was going in to see her. Initially, I said I would go the following day as I was at work, but then I said “do you think I should come with you now?” and my sister said yes. I work mostly from home which is a blessing. I messaged my boss and asked to speak to her but she was in a meeting so I had to wait a while. I spoke to her and she said just go. My sister picked me up and we got to the home at 10.20am.
We went into the home and up to mum’s room. The priest was there. My other sister had arranged for him to give mum the last rites. Mum was catholic. I took one look at mum and I just knew she was going to die that day. She looked different. Her face contorted. I gave her a kiss and sat by her bed. I held her hand while the priest did his thing. He said all these prayers over her and she just looked at him. I was stroking her hand and she squeezed it a couple of times. As the priest spoke I could not stop the tears streaming down my face although I did try. Afterwards, the priest gave us both a hug and left. My sister had spoken to our other siblings and let them know and they were all on the way.
So me and my sister sat by mum’s bed. She was awake and looking us. She tried to say something but it was too hard for her. I told her we all loved her. A couple of times her face contorted for a few seconds as if she was in pain, but then she seemed ok. I was speaking to my sister for a minute or so and then looked back to mum and her chest wasn’t moving. I stared for a while, expecting it to move, but it just wasn’t. I told my sister and said “I think she has gone”. It was 10.57am. My sister didn’t believe it, but I knew. We both kind of sat there just staring at mum for a while. I touched mum’s face and said “mum, are you ok?” I sort of gently shook here – nothing. My sister said “should I get someone to check?” and I said yes, but we both still thought maybe we were just being melodramatic. A couple of the staff came and my sister and I stood at the end of mum’s bed. They did a load of different check and I could physically feel the moment when it hit my sister – even though we were not touching. They confirmed mum had passed. My sister and I just sat for a few minutes. There was a kind of synchronicity to it. Mum’s eldest child and her youngest (me), being the ones who were with her. Then my sister started calling our siblings. She was on the phone to our other sister when my brother arrived. I greeted him and told him mum had passed. Watching his face crumple was one of the hardest things. He came in and sat. Just 5 minutes later my other brother arrived and I repeated the process.
It was surreal. We all sat round mum’s bed. It felt very weird. my 2 other sisters were not there as they were coming from further afield. After about an hour we left. I gave mum and kiss and said the hardest goodbye. I felt wrong leaving her behind. We went to Wetherspoons to get some lunch as none o us had eaten. We were all in a daze. Lauren (my daughter) left uni and met us there. After lunch, we went to mum and dad’s bungalow. We picked Liam (my youngest son) up from school on the way. I met him at the gate, which was out of the norm and he could see I had been crying. He looked at me and said “which one?”. That brought it home to me – how much limbo we have been in for a long time with both my parents. We stayed at the bungalow a while and both my other sisters arrived. There were all were, the 6 of us (plus 2 of my kids and 2 of my sisters). All just dazed and lost. We had to tell dad. We all went to his care home and all marched into his room. Hugely unusual, but he didn’t seem to notice. We gathered around his bed. We had decided beforehand that I would be the one to break the news. I held his hand and my sister held his other hand. He seemed oblivious to it all. I asked him if he wondered why we were all there and he said no. I told him we loved him and we were here to support him but that I had some sad news. I said “mum died this morning”. His whole face crumpled and her kind of bent over and he just sobbed and sobbed. It was heart breaking. It was like I had punched him in the stomach. We all cried with him. He told us he wouldn’t be far behind. I told him we weren’t ready to lose him just yet and he said “you will be ok, you have each other” and I guess he is right about that.
It was the hardest day. Very strange. I will write about her funeral soon. It has been 4 months now and it still feels so bizarre. It is Mother’s Day here in England soon. It feels weird seeing all the stuff for it and not needing to buy anything. I am hoping this will be the biggest loss I ever have to face, cos it is awful.