I have been terrible at keeping up here. I won’t stay long, gonna try to get some reading done for class before I have to go to work. I’m still dealing with the same things and I feel stupid for doing so. Maybe I am, but sometimes my anxiety towards the situation scares me more than anything, and even tho i’m in pain, i still try to avoid the feeling of complete hurt. I think after this is all said and done, I will go see a therapist. I hate how I am sometimes, and I just feel like I am about to crack. Anyway I won’t bore you with details, but I know that so far this year started off sucky. I pray it doesn’t end that way. I currently hate my life, but that’s gonna change soon. I feel alone, and I have no one I can trust. After a while people stop listening when it’s the same thing over, and you have done nothing to change it. Not cause you hope for better, but out of sheer fear. I could be free already, if it wasn’t for fear. I’ve given up, but then I’m scared of what my next move is, cause I have no clue. I aim to do much better for myself, but it’s a struggle. I’ll stay in school and get my degree, but what do I do while I wait. How do I just go when things keep hindering it?
I keep thinking about the past, the good with the bad. As of late, the bad outweighs, but feeling stuck sucks ass. I mean I can’t trust my partner, my so called “best friend”, to be honest with me, or do right by me when I’m not around. People like him think we don’t notice shit, then wanna turn it on us when we call them out on their bullshit. The way I feel after is why I’m always so scared to bring up anything to him, especially when it’s something he did that I know he’ll lie about. His parents have no clue he’s like this, and still love me and ask about me. What’s he gonna tell them when I’m gone. I’ve been trying to figure out a plan for months, but even so fear just messes everything up. Fear of being hurt more, that is. I’m not scared to be alone, I have done that and came out fine. I just wanna be happy. After all the shit I’ve dealt with in my life, especially when it comes to men, I think being alone is my best bet. I will have moments where I’d feel lonely and want company, but I’d rather do that alone than be with someone and STILL feel alone. It’s not worth it, and I have enough stress in my life to hold on to the unnecessary sources of it.
I can’t even be a “step mom” to his son. He NEVER talks to me, we occasionally joke or speak, but we don’t talk. He talks to his dad, naturally, and whatever random chick he’s seeing, but it’s minimal if we do speak. He’ll come in the room, ask about something related to me, and his dad will answer and give info, as if his son couldn’t ask ME who is sitting right there. Everyone just assumes Kia will let them do it, so they don’t even bother including me in by askin if it’s ok. Yeah, and the annoying, (and not as enjoyable as it used to be), sex is old. It feels like a chore, and more and more I don’t have the desire, so a lot of times I just avoid sex with him. I know he notices it, and what he does about it when I’m not around I don’t care anymore. He won’t ask me what’s up, and even if I told him, he’d just lie. I know when he’s lying, especially when I ask him something I already know the answer to. Why do people lie, stupid ass lies at that? He flat out told me he didn’t watch porn on my computer after we talked…lying ass. Then when I say, “but i saw it” he goes “well that wasn’t me” OK so it was either the dog, or your son (and his son doesn’t have the pw to my computer). Hmm maybe the maintenance men broke in, somehow learned my pw, and was watching porn while I was at work, and he was home. Hmmm, ok. See, stupid ass lies. He thought because he deleted it, I couldn’t see it.
The activity still shows…but I deleted everything off my computer when I put the block on the sites. I knew he wouldn’t ask about it, but at least now I know my computer is safe. Even then, I still find myself checking to see if he tries. We’re not gonna talk about the texts to his “friends” that he tries to hide. He always slips up at some point, and will deny it to the death if I ask about it. So we’re just not gonna talk about the fact that I told him I’m unhappy, or that he says he’s not as happy as he should be. So then why are we together? Also, how can you say you love me, act all nice and attentive, when you know deep down things are pretty much dead. I don’t think he wants to let go, but yet is unhappy. At this point I want to, just trying to figure how to do so with as little hurt as possible, and of course money.