Ok wow!

So for the past two years I’d write out a list of things I wanted for the year. I called it a prayer list. I prayed over it before and after New Year’s Day. Sometimes even later if I remembered to, and I kept this list on me at all times. I threw 2017s away when nothing changed and had hopes for 2018. Well I just read my prayer list for this year and noticed that once again I got the exact opposite of what I’d hoped/prayed for. Some of it was things I could have done myself, but a lot were things only God could change. Well this doesn’t deter my belief in God, but it does make me feel like coming here was a big mistake. It was one I didn’t think would end up being a mistake, but things change. I did something I said I’d never do again, after my ex fucked me over, and that was pack and move to be with a man. Then I fell for S’s charm and made plans to move with him. He gave me promises and now I’m left with uncertainty.

I’m left with hurt and lies and for no apparent reason. Unlike last time tho, I don’t have a convient way out right now. I’m forced to live here until I can buy my way out. I could really use that full time job  right now that was on my prayer list. That would help. Even if things are calm now at home, my heart has been broken one time too many to just trust him and let my guard down. So sometime soon I’ll make another prayer list for 2019, but with a totally different perspective  on my life. I’ll have to focus on my needs and wants, instead of my hopes. Most of what’s been on those last two lists were hopes. Hopes ran out, so my goal is to be a much happier me for 2019 and years to come!