That time when…

You have a frustrating day, well the whole week, and you listen to others gripe all day about how crabby THEIR day was. However, when you need a shoulder, they aren’t nearly as supportive as you’ve been. Instead, they manage to make you feel worse than you already do with their so called help. So I’ve been dealing with a lot of things at one time lately, and it’s frustrating cause I usually end up alone or having no one to talk to. At least not someone who understands. I made this mistake of venting to S about what I deal with (although this “relationship) is part of that stress factor if we’re gonna be honest. I don’t really feel like I am in one, and might as well be by myself anyway. Anyway, I griped about feeling alone, having a crabby day, and all the other things i have vented to him before on in regards to my family. So all in all, I’m dealing with family drama, his drama, school, and trying to learn at work with this shitty virtual training. I needed human interaction, and so sometimes i vent to him. I texted him last night before I went to bed, dealing with the home issues was the last thing on my mind so that’s what i vented about. He texts me back at 4 am, and managed to make me feel worse. I am the dumbest person ever when it comes to this idiot, and actually get fooled into believing he cares or understands what I’m dealing with, or that he’d actually be supportive. So basically he’s telling me that the reason I am here is because HE wanted ME to understand why my contribution is important to the household running smoothly. He keeps saying we gotta figure how to get me back there ASAP.

As if I left because it was HIS idea. As if it was a mutual decision to help us.  Hmm ok, then he’ll say he loves me so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I may have been ok if it ended there, but ooooh no. He wants me to be better (whatever that means), for me to fight for us as much as he’s fought for us (rolls eyes). He wants me to see how much I am needed and wanted in his life. Well everything he said up to that point just proves that is bullshit. He wants my help, not my love. There IS a difference, Anyway, he had the nerve to say “we” have played this “game” for far too long and that he’s been “patiently” waiting for me so we can move on to the next phase…marriage. He went on about me knowing how he hates long distance relationships (heard this shit once in the past before i moved there in the first place), and how he’s been fighting temptations and urges, and can’t do it forever. Now keep in mind, HE is the reason I left and HE offered to drive me here without fighting for us himself.  He says we definitely need to make progress, as this has been going on 5 plus years without going much further. If we don’t progress, what’s the point of this (his words in a nutshell). Then he asks me not to take this as him wanting to end things or it’s some ultimatum. Says we’ve been stuck for 5 years and asks if i think it’s time to forget about everyone else and do things that help our future and well-being (whatever that means).

I know what all this is, but I have not replied. What do I say to this? Why am I even bothering trying to deal with him. He will NEVER understand, and from the looks of it, he blames me and my lack of money, as the problems we’ve been having.  Never mind the fact that he has taken plenty of money from me, with promises to pay it back, which almost never happens, so saving was hard anyway. Then he has seen me trying to find work, and still helping when I can, and yet my love is questioned, and I don’t care or love him enough. Why the hell would I wanna take another chance at failure? I don’t want this hanging over my head, if I “fail” again. I know what people would say…..leave him alone. I should have done that yes, but I didn’t, so this is my paying for my actions. I already feel down in the dumps, and that text hurt my feelings, and pissed me off. He says we need to find a way to get me there ASAP, yet we barely talk and I try to save money but between him and my mom it’s hard. I have the same money issues as when I made less.

I’ve known him for 10 years almost, I waited 5 of those years for him to even let me in, then once we get started it falls apart in the last 5 years cause he’s an asshole. He took me ring shopping, promised me it would happen soon, then  in less than a year it all started to go downhill. I did not move back to Indy as a lesson, I moved here to get away from stress. I hate my life right now, and I feel stupid for thinking there was a way to try to work this out. I don’t know if I even wanna reply to his text. He like legit doesn’t understand how hurtful his words are. I don’t think he was trying to be offensive, but at the same time it was. I think he was trying to get me to understand his point of view, as if I didn’t understand the importance of working together. I have been trying to, but he’s stuck on sex and money….love is a back-burner issue for him I guess. I loved him with all his issues, and his broke ass ways, and yet I am held to a totally different standard. Nothing I did was enough, still isn’t apparently. I am so tired of caring for people and not getting shit back in return. So I will just sit here while I think about how to respond to that. It really hurt to read that and made me cry. So it’s bout time to end this chapter, it just keeps repeating itself. I don’t deserve this bullshit. I got enough on my plate, to not have to deal with relationship issues. I’m seriously considering just following my first plan and getting my own apt here. I hate it here, but I’ll deal with it. My peace of mind is more important to me than the shit I deal with. I need time to myself desperately and I never really get it. I’ll just have to get used to being alone, it’s less stressful than dealing with selfish people.