My motivation is …

… fueled by doing … one of my favourite go-to affirmations, and it works.  The key is to start.  Whether it’s housework, or writing, or going to the gym, or Christmas shopping, or whatever … once I start doing, the momentum begins and motivation to keep on doing builds strength.  I’ve referenced plodding along several times over the past few months which I thought was the same as doing, but it isn’t … it’s close though, and in a certain way I think it may be the coverup of the depression.  “Oh I’m putting one foot in front of the other, thank you very much.  I’m just fine and dandy like cotton candy”  Not!!  Russell used to say it was my hormones running amok when I would slip a little on the attitude scale, and that rightly pissed me off.  There’s probably some truth in that however, knowing abit more about how my body operates, but it’s not the Only reason.  I spent some time over the past few days pondering the emotional and mental state I’m in, and I’m fairly sure it’s just an overall general feeling of dissatisfaction … lack of, less than, not enough yada yada yada.  It’s gotten to the point where that feeling has gained enough strength to overshadow the gratitude I have for my life and the endless good that is in it.  What I’ve determined since the acknowledgement is that I’ve been seeking external satisfaction more than I have internal … meaning I look for pleasure externally, whether it be my job, my children, money, relationships etc.  If only I had a better job …. if only my children called me more … if only I had more money … if only I had more friends …. if only …. when did I start saying this? As I’m writing, I can feel in the pit of my stomach that this is Not something that is being said from my true self …. Hello BJ, I seeeeee you!!!!