Reclaiming …
… my Wednesdays!!! It feels like I’ve been super busy over the last couple of weeks with appointments, coffee dates, babysitting, etc. It’s an observation that even though I’m not working, days fill up and before I know it’s happening, I am lost in all of it. Lost meaning, not giving me a piece of the freedom cake … a big enough piece anyway. When I stopped working Wednesdays back in 2016, it was because I had a bit of a meltdown from Dennis’s death. I had gone back to work only a week after he died because that’s what I do. I push myself to be busy when I’m hurting or scared or confused or whatever … I can totally see this stemming from childhood trauma, and whenever trauma of any degree happens now, that’s what I do … I get busy. Oh sure I’ve learned to balance the busyness with prayer and meditation, writing, the gym, etc. but I can tell when something is amiss when the space between all those balancing acts becomes FULL. After I crashed from not facing the trauma of Den’s death and decided to back off from working Wednesday’s, it was one of those life-saving decisions. Now I’m not working at all. Writing into my book is flowing well, but at the same time I’m also going farther into the depths of what makes me tick … not just looking at my shit, but picking away at it to see what it consists of … and guess what?? I find myself to be busy … too busy!! So I am reclaiming my Wednesday’s to pick at my shit hahahaha ewwwwwww!!! But I do this because I want change. I want more of my truth to show. I want the authentic.
Judgement is big right now. It feels like I’m judging everyone and everything (my Self included), and I used to be very easygoing and accepting … “I’m as flexible as a rubber band” was something I said a lot, and now I’m not so flexible. I don’t accept things “just as they are” like I used to … “it is what it is” NOT!! It is what it is, but what if I’m not okay with what it is?? I come from a place of love … there is no room for negativity … but but but, there IS a room Of negativity and the door is open. I can’t close it, no matter how hard I try … and truth?? I don’t want to close it anymore … I want to see what’s in that room, but it kinda feels like I’m going backward, but but but, it also feels like this is something that I Need to do in order to go forward.
I have choices. I could shine a light into the room and reveal a bunch of monsters hahahaha omg, I just had a very vivid visual of all the monsters totally freaking out when I shined the light into the room so ya, not sure that would be the wisest choice … or I could let the monsters sit in the dark with the door open and let them come out whenever they want which is kinda what’s happening right now and I’m not really liking when a monster peeks out of the room; I never know when it’s going to happen or which monster will peek out … or I could open the door and meet them half way and show them what the light is all about. Wow that feels pretty okay, but I have no clue how to go about doing that … sigh … which is fear … and to go all cliche, “where there is fear, there is courage”. Oy, what am I getting into??
Thing is, while I’m meeting the monsters halfway, I need to remember who has the light and where the light comes from. Inside me … the Godspark that almost went out, but it didn’t. I worked with God in all it’s many shapes and forms over the years to keep the light going … tending the fire … adding wood and blowing on it to make it bigger … trusting I was doing this with help and guidance from the Universe. The monsters are a part of what makes me tick … the triggers, the reactions, the dark emotions, traumas and so on … all of which could get out of control if not tempered. Woah!! Temperance is part of Tarot … Idk how I remembered that but I did:) I like when that happens. Shows me that I do retain information and I remember when I need to. The dictionary says it’s “moderation or self-restraint in action, statement, etc.; self control”. Hmmmm … but when I look up the root temper, there’s a craptonne load of meanings, and definitely worthy of further investigation.
That’s the beauty of journaling! Starting off an entry about reclaiming Wednesdays, and ending with investigating temper;)
I think in a matter of time you will figure all of this out and when you do let me know……
@jaythesmartone
I shall indeed J! <3
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I’m trying to remember what I did with my therapist when it came to wanting to deal with anger. I feel like there’s a document on my computer somewhere. I’m going to look for it, but you won’t be aware of the time passing. Found it. I did this because it felt like I had all this anger inside me and I needed to deal with it.
I made a list of resentments. For each resentment, I wrote the effect, my role, and what I want. So here’s an example from a few years ago:
Resentment: A friend only would text when she had guy problems.
Effect: The friendship felt onesided and like she had no interest in my life.
My role: I didn’t tell her how I felt. I stopped initiating conversations as much. As I got more frustrated, my responses to her texts showed that I was less interested and less talkative.
What I want: For a friendship that works for both of us. I’m not sure if that’s possible.
Then I would talk about each thing in therapy because I’d have to think about each aspect. It helped me.
I think that the fact that you are aware of becoming too busy is a good thing. You recognized a problem and decided you need to fix it. Good luck taking back your Wednesdays. When I was going to school until I was 18, Wednesdays were always early release days from school. We’d get out an hour or so earlier than every other day of the week. It was nice. So I think recapturing your Wednesday is a great plan.
And then the last thing, because I’m talking too much, I have found that sometimes I think I’ve gotten too far to one side in actions or inactions, so I try to correct it. Then I think I overcorrect it. That’s what I thought of when you wrote about how you used to be easy-going and accepting and how you are now. I struggle with this too. I wrote about this in my last entry, but I try to be very understanding of other points of view, so I wonder if I’ve taken it too far and I am not ignoring my own feelings just so I can be understanding of their side.
Keep taking care of yourself. You’re great and I’m glad you’re still writing. Make sure you take time to relax and enjoy life as well.
@heffay
Wow H! Thank you!! This splits fears/resentments into simple, yet very effective steps. I will definitely give it a go with what I’m focusing on right now and see what happens.
Your last comment about overcorrecting is exactly what temperance means (after I did some investigating). It’s finding a balance or the middle road between extremes. Good word to remember when picking through the shit, and ya taking time to relax and enjoy life is a great way to keep that balance.
p.s. you never talk too much;)
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