There continues to be …

… some residual gleanings from telling John I was babysitting on Sunday when I really wasn’t.  In no particular order …

  •  it’s okay to tell my truth
  •  BJ’s actions can also be used to determine when I’ve gone against my truth, either with words or actions
  •  I don’t trust that people will like/accept me when I speak my truth
  •  the privilege of saying “no I don’t want to” as a child was taken from me by adults, and stuck because of trauma induced fear
  •  not reacting while in an emotional storm, even self-imposed, definitely has benefits
  •  I like John more than I thought

That last one wasn’t easy to type.  It wasn’t only the lie to John that had impact, it was the lie to myself that I wanted to spend time by myself.  I like John and I like spending time with him.  I blew him off on Sunday when I really would have loved to spend the day with him.  I shake my head at all this because my behaviour is very adolescent-like, but only with John, and that confuses me.  My sponsor way back told me something about how a person’s emotional age gets stuck at particular times during their childhood depending on experiences that took place.  It doesn’t have to be awful experiences either … moving to a new house, the birth of a sibling, etc. etc.  One of my passions is figuring out the 5W’s + H of who I am.  It’s interesting and it’s fun and I believe it helps me to grow into the best version of me in any particular moment.  Even though counselling with Maureen ended in a very strange way, I still reap the benefits of EMDR and it’s affect on how my brain processes experiences, not only from my past, but also the right-here-right-now experiences …. and how the two relate to each other.  When I was 13 we moved into the old house at my grandparent’s farm until our house was ready to live in.  I left all my friends from town and became a country girl.  I lost touch with that age of growing up, both in relating with other girls and relating with boys …. relating = relationships.  In the year we lived in the old house I also lived in fear, never knowing when I would be touched etc.  I hate that time in my life, but looking at it now I can see how my behaviour as an adult has been affected by that life experience, and others of course, which is all part of the challenge in putting together the puzzle of my life.  John has mentioned a few times how his life changed at that age too (or maybe abit earlier) and that he struggled a lot in his teens with relating to others.  Makes me wonder if the reason we click so well is that our adolescent bits are getting straightened out … now wouldn’t that be just wonderful?

 

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3 weeks ago

I think you are doing very well by yourself, being able to realize how that change in your life at thirteen cascades through to how you interact with people now. It fascinates me how all the experiences of our lives pile up to make us the heap of things that we are.

3 weeks ago

@thediarymaster

Thank You:) For so many years I thought I was damaged goods or I wanted a “do over”, but then I realized that all those experiences have made me who I am today and I’m a pretty cool chick once you get to know me Lol

3 weeks ago

Have you thought about telling John the actual truth?  And then telling him you are sorry but didn’t know what else to say at the time?

3 weeks ago

@jaythesmartone

Yep I sure have thought about it, but probably won’t … I did tell him that I missed seeing him on the weekend more than I thought I would 😉

3 weeks ago

Those are some deep insights. And I do hope you get things straightened out!

3 weeks ago

@poisonnoir

Thank You:)  It’s always interesting to me when an insight is so bang on that I feel a knot being untied inside me