Lola

Today. August 31st 3:30pm. My dog of 11 or 12 years had passed away today. I don’t feel like I’m alive. I feel as if I had just scooped my organs out and left them to rot in space. I feel sad, angry, anxious, guilty, exhausted and scared. She ended up dying a very slow and painful death in my moms arms. We tried to get an available vet so we could put her down instead of making her die in such a painful death, but those stupid fucking veterinarians weren’t able to put her down until 6pm. In a way I’m glad that we weren’t able to get a vet on time because Lola was able to pass somewhere she’s familiar with rather than a hospital she has never been to before. I have mixed emotions from today. I feel terrible. I hate that we can’t just all live the same amount of time. I hate that I had to leave her at the vet knowing that her body would no longer be in one piece the next time I see her. I hate how much pain I’m in, and I hate how much pain she had to go through. I hate how I had to watch Tinkerbell eat without her mother for the first time in her entire life. I hate that I didn’t go on that walk with Lola and mom. I feel so much guilt and hatred towards myself for that. I wish I could just die already, but I know I could never leave Tinkerbell, Moby or my Mom. I don’t know what to do anymore. This was the first night I hadn’t kissed Lola on her head and said goodnight and I love you. I feel like I wan’t to scream my lungs out till I lose my voice. I wan’t to snuggle her like I did every time I would sleep downstairs. I miss you so much Lola. I Love You, Goodnight.