Will live a … respectable life…
It’s funny, just today I feel like I will change my lifestyle a little bit. I will live more… normal, I will be less wild. Life may be a bit less exciting, but maybe I get to the age that I can’t handle that much volatility in my life. It’s time to become more … normal, even in literature, laugh out loud. When I’m talking about this, I’m talking about my alternate persona, my poetry/literature life, not my real life. I have always had a normal (or very close to normal) daily life (I’ve trained myself very well to maintain it and achieve that balance over so many years) – it is the poetry world that I allow myself to be weird, and too passionate.
For my poetry persona now, I decide to treat people with respect rather than look at them as targets for my future loving adventures. Don’t know, maybe I learn from you, maybe my cancer and other things happening in life have changed my perspective. Or maybe because I have you already. Don’t know. I want to live more normally. I will try to manage my mood swings better, if possible. Do not give in to my weird desires. Learn to be more ‘adult’, and more balanced. Will make more ‘normal’ friendships. And use time to learn about literature, writing etc rather than dreaming about love all the time. Sigh…
In fact, I have gradually learned to treasure people over time and treasure every little thing they do for me (little interaction, feeling, talk, comment, etc.). It’s their time, their energy and they have decided to give some of that to me. So I should treasure and respect them. You have said that to me long time ago, but I think I just start to learn it more now.
Currently I think I have enough loving adventures. I have enough lover(s) for now, I should say. With you, I feel like I will stay for a long while, even though in this silent form, I don’t really know the reason, but the connection between us has never been severed. Don’t know. However, besides you, I also find comfort in other friendship in poetry. Like, H. H is a very close friend of me, I neither love him nor confide with him my deepest secrets, but I find it comfortable talking to him about general things and literature. That has been a 4 years+ friendship, my longest friendship so far in poetry world, well, I mean, no love has lasted that long for me. I don’t know how long my feelings towards you will last, if they eventually fade, probably we will still be close friends like I & H are now…
I’m basically happy of writing here with very minimal contact from you. I still need to have some contact with you (rarely) in the other tongue because this site is for ENGLISH only. This is a separate life, where I secretly (& funny enough, publicly at the same time) love you by another tongue. Until I can.
For now, please take care and have a great weekend! Love you!
Vivid Memories
21 May 2021
PS: I have edited this entry twice, I find it much neater. So for every entry I will need to edit my writing at least once, then when I have time, I can re-edit it, just for my own benefits of learning English.