So since I’m being accountable to others in my life I should be accountable to myself and follow through with what I say I’m going to do. I said I was going to keep a journal and I do but it’s mostly filled with random notes, drawings, some venting that I always dispose of later. I’m going to try to stay consistent with this one. No one I know knows I started this, which was my whole reason to do it. I have one friend who may figure out it’s me, if they do then cool, it’s really one of the few people, if not the only person in my life who pretty much knows my whole story.
Anyways. I’m in recovery/sobriety. I have been for a few years but have always been considered “a new comer” because I can never seem to hold it together for six months. As of today I have 55 days sober. Christmas was my last drunk. If my probation officer asks, I have almost 7 months :s. I hate lying but the truth would have most likely me gotten me jail time, possibly sent back to prison. And yes I feel like shit about relapses/ lapses, no one can beat me up better than I can. But I’ve come clean to those who truly matter ( my family, sponsor, home group, God). I can’t think about it too much because then I just feel like I’m trying to justify it to myself, which I kind of am, for not being truely honest with the courts, but they’ve screwed me over so much already… no stop, my own actions, actually my drunken actions, my drunk self caused those reprocussions. That’s the thing that makes addiction such a bitch.
In everyone’s eyes the drunk me and sober me are the same person. On one hand I can see that. HOWEVER, no one is the same after an entire bottle of vodka. I’m like an intoxicated mentally challenged person at that point- clearly not thinking the same as normal me.
anyways again. This entry was supposed to be about being accountable.
Lately, in these past 55 days my beautiful, amazing ten year old daughter and I have been FaceTiming almost daily!! No one can understand how great that is. It’s been over five years (now more than half her life) since I last held, was with her in person.
Since then my divorce happened and so did my prison sentence. I’ve been behind bars for nearly three years total. Someone who doesn’t break the rules, I never would have imagined being in jail, let alone prison, and now I’m no stranger to complete isolation, to “23/1”(23 hours in a cell/ 1 hour out- to shower, watch tv, use the phone or pace in a bigger room)
Sorry, back to my topic. Today my daughter called me and I realized that I wasn’t thinking about it. See, I’ve been so inconsistent in her life that it kills me that for past years I haven’t raised her. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about her, worry and cry over her a million times a day. I do. Lord knows I do.
Today I realized how much progress we’ve made over these last 55 days. Usually, I’m consistent for a few days and then disappear or stop calling for some reason so it makes the next time make us feel like strangers all over again. Lately we’ve gotten comfortable spending an hour or so after school/after work just on FaceTiming asking each other questions, watching each other eat, sharing about our days.
I can’t disappear again. I don’t want to break her heart or mine. I can’t relapse. Because she called me. The first few weeks were me calling and stumbling through the awkwardness and sometimes wondering if I should just skip a day because we really don’t have much to talk about and it was uncomfortable and second guessing myself thinking that I was really only doing more damage because eventually I’m going to relapse and end up in jail again. Starting over again. I always do. It’s my MO. And it really didn’t matter because I was just proving every one right, doing what I always do.
Well now I’m in a new city, new friends, new everything and for some reason they believe in me. Well they believe in me because I haven’t let these people down yet. I really don’t want to. For some reason I care more this time. Maybe it’s because I had a moment with my son a few weeks ago on the phone (I’m not even gonna get into that on this entry, I’d be here all night remembering it lol), maybe it’s because my daughter was so comfortable with me today, maybe it’s because last time I was in jail the one person I could call, explained to me that she needed a break from me because my most recent relapse took a toll on her. That hurt to hear.
I can’t fail myself this time. In AA I’m supposed to take a daily inventory of my day and I usually forget. This journal will hopefully help me. But I give up on everything, so don’t be surprised if I never wrote again.