Entry 1: made this account to vent about being abused

Oh wow just like old times sake. I had one of these as a kid. 15 to maybe 17. Idk. Anyway.  I am 25. Me and my family moved back in with my abuser when I was 15. He pretended he changed and then we had no escape and I’ve been in this hell for 10 years although I was abused by the thing (it, thing, it’s probably how i’ll refer to the monster) my ENTIRE life. It just couldnt be 24/7 for the couple of years he wasnt living with us. It started the very week we moved in. But i’m not here to talk about the old stuff right now. The abuse has gotten worse this week somehow and my body is taking it hard. I do have physical damage to my body done by the thing over years but it isnt usually physical. It’s psychological at the moment but my body is taking it like it’s physical and my mind is so tired. I need to tell you, the thing is the dark triad. It is a psychopath, a narccist. Not the oh youre so conceited! kind. Manipulative. Abusive. We are his play things. His property. He hates women, and me, my mom, and sister are all women. He hated me since I was little because I didn’t let him rule my life by deciding what toys I got and what games I played and how i played them, unlike my older sister. She was fine just letting him do whatever. More easy going I guess. But i always thought even back then that if it’s mine then i should get to choose it. I was a good kid and listened to everything i was told but lived my own life when it came to little things like toys and stuff. So she was his favorite and I never cared. I always knew he was off. He yelled at me that I could never compare to her when I was a little girl and asked why he always compared me to her. Things he said never hurt, the insults. I don’t care what he thinks, never did. Calling us stupid, triggering my eating disorder on purpose and also self harm (dont worry im recovered. No more cutting ever. I developed a fear of blood at some point after recovery. Been better for years). Eating disorder stuff hurts no matter who says it but fuck that thing. I am falling back into ednos now a bit though but ill be okay. No more bulimia. Too much internal damage. Whatever. Not the point. Back to the thing. He has cirrohsis and died 8 months ago from internal bleeding and THEY REVIVED HIM. I threw up and nothing came up because I hadnt eaten yet. How could i when the thing was dying in front of us and i had to call the family and the ambulance. I cant describe the scene. I cant. Just know he bled and shit the entire living room. He knew he was bleeding for weeks and did not get help. Anyway they brought the thing back by giving it blood, what a waste. My mom and I hate him beyond belief. My sister knows he has no purpose but does not hate anyone. For years we cannot say anything in front of him that could start him up to a blow up where he is screaming and breaking stuff and threatening. He threatened to k*ll me three years ago when he claimed my dog bit him (he didnt bite him.) So I dont say anything to him ever and never talk about anything important in front of him. I only say anything if it asks me first. Which is the problem now. He interrogates me now worse than ever. It started days ago. My insomnia is bad and i stay downstairs and read in the corner til 7am when i go to lay down and rest. It was never a problem til he wanted to blow up. He freaked out on me and my mom that we wake him when we feed the dogs and i say goodnight at 7am. They sleep downstairs (her on the sofa and him on a futon he got after he destroyed our other sofa with his blood). I now have a bedtime at 25 years old. I am cut off from human interaction even more now. And we dont wake him. It’s all a lie. It was to control me even more. And now when i have to answer him, he makes me answer it in different words over and over and explain my answer and criticise my choice of words. I answer and he makes me answer again and again. He asks nonsense questions and forces me to answer, if i dont he gets angry and violent. He does this with my mom mostly, but he has been targetting me now more. I have been becoming su1c1dal in surges throughout the day. Wanting to hurt myself. Knowing i have to be in my room by a certain time or the thing will be mad. I honestly needed to make this account or the surges would be worse. Im getting dissociative right now and need to end this and start a new entry in a little while. Tysm for reading. I am not currently in any physical danger from the thing and I am very good at not hurting myself (oh what a skill lol). I am just struggling mentally and physical from the mental. The harassment causes ptsd long after it happens. It feels like being brutalized especially after what ive been through for the past 10 years. I spend my time in my daydreams mostly and it helps. Until i am forced by the thing into an interrogation.