Entry 2: more on that…

Every trigger warning you can think of. Too tired to specify and so much shit has happened to me so I cant remember to put them all.

More stuff the abuser has done in our lives. Heres one that makes me almost throw up whenever i think about it. The thing is a pervert. Lets make that clear. Never outright things towards me but god im sorry youre about to read this. Last year my mom texted me from downstairs telling me he was harassing her because she would not agree to what he wanted. What he wanted was to find a random man to make me have sex with to have a baby so he could have a grandchild. Im sick writing this. It would not have been up to me, I would have been threatned into it. It made my mom sick to hear. She is a normal person and the best mom and hearing that was horrifying. I am having kids one day but I tell him im not just to get the point across that i am not to be controlled. He thinks i dont know he ever brought this up to her. He did the same thing to my sister the day she turned 18 but to her face. Told her to go out that night with a stranger. Did not care about her safety. She of course did not do this and is disgusted to this day about it.

At 8 years old he broke my finger. My mom and i wouldnt get into a car with him during a snowstorm. He tried to rip my bag off of my and thehandle was wrapped arounf my finger. Ifeel like crying. I was screaming daddy daddy my finger and he knew and did not listen. I was screaming and crying. My detachable hood was in the bag and i could walk in the storm without it. We had to get in the car. I was only allowed to go to the hospital if he took me and i knew he would lie so i never went. My finger stopped growing. It hands off my hand slightly. Disconnected pinky. I can still move it but i dont have much control over it. It is tiny and mushy and the nail is so so small. It always hurts to this day.

He has beat me up a few times. Especially as a teenager. Cops never cared. I swear to you. They. Did. Not. Care. He pinned me down on the couch at 16 as punishment and screamed into my ear, just screams, not words, til my ear bled. The layer of tissue that protects my eardrum tore. The inside of my ear canal collapsed and closed mostly. My pinky finger (the good one) cannot even fit into it. People I have secretly told about the violence told me to get out of the house. When we tried a few years ago, said we couldnt have money. We said okay. He said we couldnt have the house. We said okay. He said we couldnt have the pets. And that is why we cannot leave. We cannot live without pur babies. But he is supposed to die soon from his disease and me and my mom pray every day for it. I cannot imagine such freedom. I will cry til my voice is gone when it happens from pure relief.

Tonight he told me that me and my mom are going to start going for car rides with him at night. It was not a question. Not a suggestion. A demand. I said I’m not. He said it isnt now, but later. I told him I don’t like cars. I don’t. Not after my accident. But I will never get in a car with that thing again. And I cannot leave the house yet. My bones are weak from.not leaving the house during covid. Im trying to fix my sleep and work from there.

I cannot talk about feminism. He hates women and thinks feminists should be d3ad. He will pull me into an interrogation i cannot escape until he is screaming and threatening and i am shaking and dissociating and feeling extra su1c1dal.

He is homophobic, mysoginistic, transphobic, racist, islamaphobic. He is perverted. He likes to see people hurt. He loves true crime and watches it in front of me even though i have breakdowns from it and freaks out on me if i ask him to turn it off.

Last year he tried to get me and my sister to agree to not letting our mom leave the house. He claimed it was because of the virus and was doing it to help her. He freaked out on us that he is a good guy doing a good thing and only cares about our safety.

He lied and went out with no mask on during the virus. He gave me covid three times. I havent left the house in two years. He gave us all covid 19, my mom got really sick but thankfully was okay. He gave me delta two times. I had never been so sick in my life. I thought I was going to die. I have headaches regularly from it. Whatever damage it did to me. Not regular headaches. The worst pain. So sick i almost collapse. Worse than the migraines ive gotten since i was 9. I have to keep tylenol me at all times to try to catch the headache when it starts. And ive had breathing problems since covid 19.

He often makes “jokes” about tying me up and forcing things on me that I dont like. Wireless earphones. I didnt want them. So he wanted to tie me up and force them into my ears. I said that was disgusting. I was freaked out on me. He was going to finish by saying that i would find out i really liked them. He was doing a good thing. I said either way tying me up is violent. When the vaccine was first talked about, before it even came out, i said i didnt know if i was going to get it. He said he would drug me and put me in a wheelchair and force me to get it. I told him that was disgusting. He gets violently angry when me and my mom call him out on his violent “jokes”. He used to buy switch blades and flick them open at us. We secretly threw them away when we could.

He bought a flash light that was made to replace flare guns in case you get lost in the woods or on the side of the road or in the middle of the ocean. He kept shining it in my eyes. It hurt so bad, especially the strobe setting. It made my migraines worse and messed with my already horrible vision. He yelled at us whenever I asked him not to use it around me. He broke my glasses one of the times he attacked me physically.

I am not allowed to have tattoos. I have four of them. He saw a couple and i told him they were fake. He stares at us often to intimidate us and i feel such fear that he will see them. He stands over us, looms over us.

He monitors the amount of toilet paper i use. I have my own separate roll in my cabinet because i have ocd and cannot touch anything he has touched. He found out and started monitoring it and demanded from my mom why i use so much. I use it to dry my hands and turn the sink off (ocd). She said something to him about checking my toilet paper usage. It was one of the biggest blow ups ever. He put his fist in my moms face and was going to punch her in the nose. He threw her table across the room and shattered her mirrors. That was the start of my desperation to d*e. My health declined from the stress. I get ulcers from him. I live in fear. After he was revived, his abuse has gotten worse than before.

I almost want to delete all of this. I feel like I shouldnt be talking about it. I have nightmares I tell someone this stuff and they tell him and he comes after me. My mom mentions the abuse to people sometimes and I panic until enough time goes by. His energy is toxic. It makes us physically weak and exhausted. After a really bad blow up, my mom looks sick. We look and act like zombies after. We try to stay optimistic that he will die soon. We see signs of his sickness. I spend time reading, daydreaming, talking to my pets. We just want to be free and hopefully we will soon. Ty for reading.