Entry 6: worse than ever

It isn’t just about daylight anymore. Im not allowed downstairs even when it’s dark out after a certain hour. I’m dissociating and feel like im having a nightmare. The exact feeling of a nightmare but being awake. Ive felt this many times before but never so clearly. Like im so aware of the horror im going through. I was so sick i was sitting in my chair with an icepack on my head and eating chips because it was late and i was hungry and they were easy. He was awake the whole time but then turned around and said me and my mom woke him. I took my sleep meds 5 hours early and he says im not trying. Im trying so hard. I barely slept so i could try to sleep earlier tonight but insomnia doesnt work that way. I don’t have alter personalities, my dissociation isn’t that kind but something odd happened that happens a lot when this thing destroys me mentally again. I go off in my head and feel like i am taken over by someone else but im still conscious and feel my pain badly but it’s as if I’m not quite there. But this time a name came and I could see her in my head and she was angry with him. I know she isn’t real, my mind is trying to protect me. I almost feel like im making her up on purpose but i was barely conscious when it happened. Usually when this happened, i felt like a robot. I used to wonder if i had alter personalities but never really had signs of that. But i used to say if i did, one is a robot who comes over me when i feel this pain. I’d talk monotone. This time, i was smiling even though i was in pain and felt like me but only a piece of me and the rest was this girl in my head who felt sorry for me and wanted to go out in the sun because I haven’t left the house in months and rarely have in three years because of the virus and my body always hurting and just not feeling good. A dread comes over me when i think about going out like it’s too much work but worse than that. Either way, the girl in my head is not real. But i see her image and I will just call her D on here in case I ever write about her again. I was hoping i wouldnt write on here again after entry 4 but it gets worse and worse. I also notice i have notifs but im too nervous to open them. It makes me feel so good people are reading my entries and maybe one day i can open them hopefully but this is just so so bad anymore. It used to feel like a prison but now it feels more like being held captive. I’m not, i’m free to go and in fact, a sideways glance would have me kicked out on the street, but i have nowhere to go and just want to eat dinner in my chair at night and read but it wont let me anymore. It’s giving us all more and more restrictions and my body is so sick from it all. Im so lonely because of it i guess my brain is making me friends