Coming for you…

I can remember not that long ago when I was fine.  I mean, yea, sleeping it off the next four, five, even six to seven days was something we both participated in.  But my wife is not an addict.  See, when I was addicted to pain pills, it was different.  I took them differently, needed them more, but less at the same time.  I’ll explain.  My doc would say, give me an rx for 60 7.5mg pills ok, on Monday of one week.  By the following day even, they were half gone already.  Then, I was at the mercy of whatever I could get with all of our money from our family acquaintance Tina, or the one I hated asking, my mom for her rx of which she could give me one, maaaaybe two pills.  Now see… it took a while to get to where I ended up.   I won’t go into that because it is way too messy for right now when I am trying to maintain this high.  LOL.  Anyway, so I guess what I wanna say is… if I could have looked back, feeling the way I did before I stepped over that line for good for the pills and changed my life forever, maybe I could have prevented it.  If I could have stopped and said, “ya know, this shit is gettin a little hairy and I am out of control.  I can’t handle me anymore.” Maybe I could have stopped the train.  But I didn’t, and I went on to do one of the more despicable things, that, as a matter of fact, you mostly hear about from people on the sort of drug I’m on now. So really, and ya know, I plan to write a book or something, but before then this shit needs to be said.  Don’t label this drug, that drug, because whatever drug anyone is on is their love.  I don’t understand how anyone can have their thing be alcohol.  But whole lives have been being destroyed by it for as long as lots of people can’t remeber. ha. OK I’m side tracking. Umm… my point was that I feel it coming.  As much as I wished back then I could have felt it coming… it’s coming now.

I always (mostly) finish my dope ahead of Laura because well, I’m an addict.  And this time was no different.  So Laura was being sweet and since we were gonna be playing our game together, she gave me a bowl out of hers.  I remember a little quickening in my belly as I thought forward to when all the dope is gone again.  We can’t get any more until we get paid on the 3rd.  It caused me to feel panicked.  Like a trapped animal.  And then I realized, what if I haven’t reached rock bottom yet because I haven’t had to? It’s a very scary thought.  I would never do what I did back then again, I know that.  I stole from our family, spent our money as a couple, and other acts not in my normal nature to keep from going without those stupid fucking pills.  I won’t do it for this as well.  There is something to be said about having been thru it before… you know what to expect.  And I expect a hell of a fight.

love.