Reflections on self-love & the idea of being ‘strong’

I recently disappeared from the lives of many people and a lot of the time I read things they have written asking close friends where I am.

Someone always says, “don’t worry because she’s strong,” and they go on their way. On their life as if I no longer matter. Being told I’m strong doesn’t mean I don’t need anyone to worry about me, check on me, or care what I do. It doesn’t mean I want to have to be strong all the time. Being seen as strong is just an excuse I notice. An excuse for people to ignore me when I’m gone, to not care. Truth be told a lot of them are two-faced, its why I disappeared.

I didn’t leave because of anyone specifically, I left for myself. I am too stubborn and have too much pride to leave just because someone said something nasty to me. I left for myself. I recently went through something traumatic and there was one person who said I must be lying. The first time anyone has ever told me that. I didn’t leave because of that, but I became aware that there are people who will pretend to believe me but talk badly about me when I really need time to heal.

So I disappeared.

It’s allowing me time for self-reflection and to deal with my current issues. I realize there is only a small percentage of the people who I thought cared about me…who actually genuinely care that I am gone.  A good deal I’m sure are happy. Good. Let me disappear. I need privacy, healing and time to not feel so much so in the spotlight.

I was reflecting a bit on my breakup that happened in December, in which I lost my baby 10 days later and my ex cut ties with me. Threw me out like garbage. I need time to still heal and grieve.

I was reading something recently.  Something I had been reading from the very first chapter, it finally came to an end after four years. I only recently picked it up and realized how much all of it resonated with me.

A curse that was made that turns those with a broken heart into siren mermaids who roam the sea without memory of who they were or why they were lured to the sea to begin with. Those with broken hearts are lured there, and transformed. The main character ends up sharing half the curse with someone else because of a broken heart(she is protected by a spell though), so she still retains her memories and is a siren but with legs on land. The curse was made because the creator suffered a huge heartbreak where her loved one died and created the curse as a way to keep on living, to continue holding onto the memories of her lost loved one. And this was where I started reading off of again after not touching the comic for over a year.

The creator ends up killing the main character’s love and offers her the chance to do the same. To become the same as she is and carry the memories of her love in her heart forever. But she refuses the offer to join. She decides she wouldn’t want to give up her own life to relive the past and that her love wouldn’t want the same for her. Wholeheartedly loving someone is wanting the best for them even if it means they have to put themselves before you. But in loving someone so selflessly you have to be willing to give yourself the same rationale.(self-worth and self-love is shown here) And she understands that her heart’s first priority should be her despite how much she misses her love. She realizes her worth and convinces the creator that holding onto such pain only hurts worse in the end. That it’s time to move on and to release those from the curse that her pain caused.

I could understand heartache. The loss of a loved one. There was a strong message in the end where the creator frees all the sirens from the curse in exchange of her life. Including resurrecting the main character’s love from seafoam so he lives again.

Loving someone doesn’t mean that they will change you into the confident person you want to be. To fall in love doesn’t mean you will miraculously have all your problems fixed. There is no person who is right for you more than you are right for yourself. True love being found from within. And that in the event of heartbreak or sadness your feelings are valid, whatever they are. And it’s important not to give into bad thoughts or desires(like how the curse became created). And that its okay to put yourself first.

It honestly was sad reading it because I could relate so well and it felt like it was meant for me to read then and there. Made me grateful I saved off on reading it until the final chapters. Yes I am still healing and my feelings are valid, and its okay to have days where I reminisce and where I cry. But just as I allowed him to walk away from me, I must allow myself the same option. And I feel like that is what I’ve been doing since he left me on my own.

I realized my self worth and self love and that I deserve a better friend and love than someone who will run out of me after saying I wasn’t getting better when I just lost their baby less than a week ago. I’m angry at how he brushed aside my emotions. I was still bleeding and the grief was immeasurable, and yet he left because I wasn’t getting better. I deserve better.