Self and 6mth Review – אני קושית יפה/I’m a Cute Black Girl Pg 42

We have reached the half way point in my conversion process. Well we are taking a 3 week break.

Last night after Hebrew we reflected on the past few months and how we are managing and feeling about the course and everything that we have learnt and discovered.

It is kind of funny how before class tonight I had a very similar discussion with my father about the conversion course.

The main thing that I am coming out of the past 6 months is how much I feel and see I have grown. I feel like I have become so much more adult and somewhat responsible. I know what I want in life and I am venturing out to get it. Like I got myself a new car a month ago. Before I would have just left it all to my father to arrange for me. But I spoke to dealers, arranged for test drives and when I was ready to get it I only then I go to my father so he could finalize the transaction. Yes, I know I am 36 why did my father have to buy it? Well he has the majority legal control of my money that is tied up in accounts. I am wanting to purchase property and instead of him (father) coming to me to sign purchase documents, like before, I am going to him to get the final nod or signature. Of course my property purchase is still up in the air, but it is gonna happen someday.

Last night while I was talking to my father about my conversion, I admitted and realized how while doing this course I have been finding the real me. I have always been a very social girl, and moving around, doing new things, mixing in groups, being teachers pet…but somewhere while adulting I lost a lot of that. While learning more about Judaism and becoming Jewish I think I have found myself again.

I think the only time this year I spent more time in bed than actually outside in public and doing things was when I was down with Covid and was confined to my flat for a week…and then I got pink eye. But this year I have been more about going out, discovering life and my surrounds.

I love my husband and last time was the fist time in the 11 years I have been with him that I actually stood up for him to my dad. I actually took his side over my dad. Now is that because I am finding myself more and don’t see myself as the little girl I did before? or is it because I am actually starting to feel and be proud of my husband? I think it may be a mix of both.

Last night my one Rabbi pointed out one of the differences between Judaism and Christianity. I think I have always know this and this may be a huge reason why I could never accept Christianity. He said that in Judaism although we forgive each other for wrongs, we are all about proving we have learnt and achieved something. And in Christianity just by believing in Jesus you will always be considered forgiven. I hope I am saying this all right… I always felt that Christians…well at least many and those I have come across…pledge holiness but never repent for their sins because just by believing in Jesus they deem it is fine. Now I know I am not perfect, and I am not just saying to validated any error I am making with this passage, but I have always been about proving that you own up to your mistakes and not just moving on from them and making them again, but trying to rectify your errors and make sure you don’t make them again. It is all very well to keep making the same mistake over and over again, but if you never really learn from it and do better and if you never accept that it is a mistake, can a person really be forgiven? will they every grow?

Back to talk with my father…

My father wants to sign off any money that I have to me. But he just wants to protect me and make sure I am going to be fine…when I told my husband this, he felt as if my father says this meaning he is trying to protect me from him, as if he is going to one day leave me, which my father did bring up and say, but I didn’t repeat that to my husband…

Anyway so my father said that this is my choice but the property is in an area that we both know is filled with gangsters and drugs, which I told my husband ages ago, when he brought this property to me at first, but he was still invested in buying there…my father went on to bring up about how there is a very big chance that our tenant get’s involved with gangsters or drugs and then cannot pay rent and then we are stuck with banks knocking on our door and then we are tied up with the property and cannot get any buyers…etc etc. When I told this to my husband he understood and now he no longer wants to purchase that unit, but he is leaving me to tell the developer that we don’t want it anymore. So together we are going to look at property in an area that I like and wanted to invest in all along.

My father went on to say how although I have the capital to purchase property and to excel, he wants us to prove to him that we can do it, and to rather use that capitol as a foundation to for me to grow interest on, or as a lifesaver should our property investments fail. Hence my passage about Judaism vs. Christianity…we need to prove that we can stand on our own feet before we loose everything...

My husband has his family down for the next few days, and when they go back to their home and things have settled, him and I will go back to the drawing board and see what we can do and grow ourselves together.