I really need to write more often lol
I either don’t have much free time or I’m just not in the mood. On my next day off coming up Monday, I think I’m gonna sit down and really write it out. I’m such a procrastinator and it’s pathetic lol. I pay a monthly fee to have this and barely use it. Back in the day I lived on OD and it’s bright colors, letters, backgrounds lol. Now it’s a bit more adult friendly. I doubt many remember me from the old one. I did not save mine. I deleted it before it went down lol.
Anyway life then was more fun, full of promise. Now my hope has dwindled and the happier are few and far between anymore. It’s sucks. I will say this though, the last 2 years are going better since I left my ex. For the most part I got my peace back and it felt so good. I made the mistake of letting someone else in my life against my better judgement and now I’m back to feeling irritated and often times lonely. A year later and it’s become very stagnant.
The only reason we haven’t had “the talk” is due to my hating feeling vulnerable and also trying to avoid hurting his feelings. Simply put though, I just don’t feel the same anymore. It’s become so boring that I’d rather be alone than unhappy. So I have to once again step up an initiate the conversation he tries to avoid. I already know what’ll happen, I just hate the feelings and fears that come with it. Not so much in leaving him, but my emotions and feelings leading up to and after his departure from my life. Now I’d stay friends with him and keep in touch, cause he’s a decent guy. I just know we aren’t meant to be more than friends. My desire for him faded so much I’m rarely in the mood and I know it has nothing to do with my age. He can emotionally detach and I could never understand how one can do that. I have tried to be understanding and patient, but I can only wait so long for things to change.
Where is this going, where are we headed? These are questions I need answers to. Although I know the answer, and it’s nowhere. And if I’m gonna feel lonely 98% od the time, I might as well be alone. I can’r do this and it sucks that once again I have to be the one to step up and talk.
He’s become complacent, and getting set in his ways. It’s wearing down on me and it’s my fault because I keep putting it off because I hate the feeling it brings. However, I’d I am to get past this I have to do what needs to be done. I don’t think I’ll ever date again. Can’t do this anymore. That does mean giving up any hope of being a mother or even finding a man that actually wants to marry me. Those days of hoping for any of that is lower than it has been. I guess that’s ok because as long as I am happy, that’s all that matters. I’m just tired of being so mentally exhausted.