privacy

so…

this is really the only place I can go to vent and tell the truth. she finds and reads my written journal. and if I tell my friends or mom or whatever,…I could. but it’s getting old. I have no privacy.

..and I really don’t like to involve other people in disputes with my significant other. I stopped doing that years ago with C. I would tell people the truth and then when I went back to her, people would be annoyed and give unsolicited opinions. and that’s annoying.

I try not to do that.

I have no privacy. so here I am.

I started work again, after being out for about 9 months. it’s going well. better than I expected. I thought this transition from laying around to working again would be difficult after the surgery. but it’s not so much. I’m actually happy to be working again. I had too much time on my hands.

I still haven’t talked to the child. it’s been about 10 months. I last saw her in June of last year and last spoke to her in June as well. same with c.

I’m feeling much better than I was before surgery…but not quite all better.

p has really crazy behavior that I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. it’s too much. I blew up at her like 4 days ago. I snapped at her because I needed her to watch the dog while I worked. I work from home and it was a day the company QA team was listening in to all of our calls….

my aunt keeps texting me…Jesus.

god where to start. I snapped at her because she was still sleeping at noon and the dog was interrupting my work. I snapped at her and then apologized a an hour later. but she wouldn’t let it go even after I explained that I wasn’t Really frustrated so much about her as I was about my job and possibly losing it over the background noise of my dog growling and barking. you would think just tell her this would work. no. she started laying into me about how I had no reason to be stressed or frustrated with my job because she was WAY more stressed and frustrated with her job when she had to work so much because she was the only one working. ..because I got too sick to work. she told me it was stupid to feel stressed and said it’s laughable compared to all she’s had to deal with as a nurse working so many shifts. I’m not a nurse. I agreed that I don’t know what it’s like to be a nurse and work all the time. I started back to work 2 weeks ago, but she won’t stop talking about when she was the only one working and how I don’t appreciate her or value her.

she’s always saying these same things: I don’t love her as much as she loves me, I don’t appreciate all she’s sacrificed for this relationship (i.e. working when I wasn’t able to). like I’m not allowed to have a problem with ANY of her behavior because for 8 months, she was the only one working because I was sick. I was super sick June through December, then in December, I was admitted to the hospital and spent a month there before I had surgery in January. there’s been pressure from her this whole time I’ve been sick. she believes I treated her badly and was unappreciative of the effort she had to put in to pay all the bills. any behavior I have that she doesn’t like, she reminds me that she took care of me and worked when I was sick and after surgery. so there’s an ongoing guilt trip. and I don’t think that’s right.

she creates these emotional and dramatic situations over nothing and then acts like the victim of it. she creates chaos and then blames it on me and complains about it.

if I tell her I need time to myself, she turns it around to be that I don’t ever want to spend time with her…which is because I don’t love her as much…etc..etc it never ends.

 

she resents me for the time she worked when I couldn’t. as long as things are happy and I’m agreeing with everything she says and I don’t question anything she’s doing, she doesn’t bring it up, as much. but if I tell her it wasn’t nice to tell me my reason for being frustrated was stupid, she’ll turn that around somehow and make it about how much she dealt with FOR ME. and it was all for nothing is what she says every time we disagree with each other.

 

but the craziest thing is that I can’t spend time with anyone else. every time I spend time with someone else, I get negative consequences. if we are arguing or I’ve hurt her feelings, I’m not allowed to go anywhere or talk to anyone else. if I do, she will take that as I have no loyalty to her. please someone read this and tell me I’m not crazy.

 

 

 

please