Day what ever

Day six….seven? Who knows

It’s another bloody heat wave. It’s the UK! We don’t do heat, our country gonna explode in a firey blaze. Boom!

This week has been hard, a friend was giving me a hard time about something trivial. Told them to calm the fuck down or we won’t be friends anymore. Cba with arseholes at the best of the times. Cba with them even more then it’s 30 fucking degrees.

My child has been really hard this week. I know they can’t help it, I know their brain is wired different to mine but omg I nearly went and ran off down the street to get out of this fucking house. Away from melt downs and being pulled scratched and screamed at. I’m guessing the heat is effecting them as well. It’s so hard to stay calm. I hate being a parent that shouts, I hate it. I feel awful, I fought to have my child against infertility. Every time I shout at I think ‘you don’t deserve this child’

I’m human. I’m allowed to get angry. I have to tell myself that.

This weeks been good with seeing friends and my siblings. These people literally make my life feel lighter (not the arsehole friend. I don’t seem them) these people are good and kind people. Specially my sibling. Id be lost without them.

It’s cosmic soul news. I have no idea what’s happened but they’re talking to me all the time! I’m loving it. Apart from their really struggling with their own mental health ATM. Really badly, and I’m scared they’ll try and kill themselves. I have to ground them, I have to anchor them here. Life is good, even in shit times. They are too good to leave this earth.

We had long talks about the gap we didn’t speak. It just came about naturally. I apologized for not being there at certains of their life and they explained there was no bad feeling and understand.

Maybe they just felt they needed a shoulder to cry on at the moment and thats fine. My shoulders are ready.

I’m trying not to talk about myself to much to them. I swear I talk about myself too much. I don’t want anyone to think I’m a narcissist. I could really do with unloading on cosmic soul. They were always so helpful. But I can’t put more pressure on them. Their work is mega busy at the moment and they’re already stretched too thin. They don’t need to know I’m struggling with parenting, with losing myself because all my life is being a SEN parents.

But honestly I feel like I’m fading away. Who am I anymore? I look knackered, I feel knackered. I’m a shell of my former self. I miss me.