Jumbled Thoughts On Sex and Love
I feel like I live in a perpetually confused state when it comes to what I want out of a romantic relationship. I lacked confidence growing up and I didn’t have sex or a boyfriend until I was 22. And shortly after losing my virginity is when I was raped. Once I ended things with my boyfriend instead of fearing men I started sleeping with anyone, I think I was trying to take back something that was taken from me, I’m honestly not entirely sure what my mindset was. I had a string of one night stands that left me feeling empty. But my first ever relationship had left me feeling the same way. I struck up a friendship with someone who lived in another state and I fell in love with him. We talked all day every day and I opened up in ways I never had before. I went a long time being loyal to him and because of that the only sex I was having was phone sex. When we finally ended I didn’t know what to do, I overheard someone talking about sugar daddies and decided to give it a try. I met a man who was much older than me and started sleeping with him regularly. That’s the first time I started to learn what I like in the bedroom and actually enjoyed sex. I eventually ended things with him as the relationship would never be sustainable. I went back to one night stands but for the most part I kept it to people that I knew this time around. I also would go long periods of time without having sex with others, I had it with myself instead. Even sleeping with people I knew, the sex wasn’t fulfilling, I wasn’t enjoying it. But I wasn’t searching for a boyfriend and would never give the guys a second chance, I didn’t want to get attached. At 27 I met a man that I assumed would be another one night stand, but instead we continued having sex. It was hands down the best sex I have ever had, I got addicted to it. I did my best to keep my heart out of it and just let it be sex, that didn’t work out for me but I never said anything. Almost a year into our little situationship I started showing signs of a STD. I had one once before at 23 but I took a pill and it was gone in a few days. I could tell this was different, I went to the doctor and my fears were confirmed, I had herpes. In that moment I felt like my sex life was over for good, I would never sleep with anyone again. But fast forward and we decided to just keep what we were doing, we couldn’t change anything now. At this point I was attached but I thought that was okay. I figured we would just continue on like we had been forever. A couple months later my fantasy would come crashing down when he ended things. I spiraled out for awhile, I was sad that I lost him, I went from having amazing sex regularly to no sex at all, I feared no one would want to sleep with me because of the herpes. Eventually I worked on moving on, I met new people and found out that for a lot of people STD’s, even the incurable ones aren’t that big of a deal. I found new confidence in myself but I was once again not enjoying sex. But I was once again not giving these men much of a chance. I wanted back the comfortability of what I had lost but I also realized that I wanted more than just sex, I wanted intimacy, I wanted a relationship. I spent a year trying to find it but that guy and that sex was always in the back of my mind. I reached out in hopes he had changed. We went back to having that amazing sex that I missed so much but he wasn’t fulfilling me in the other ways that I needed. He ended things with me for my own benefit and it broke my heart. I’m still heartbroken writing this today. And I’ve already tried to fill the void, because that’s what I do, even when I know it won’t work. I want to believe that someone out there will be able to give me both great sex and love but all I have known my entire life is compromising one or the other. Either you have love or you have great sex and at 29 I can’t say with confidence which is more important to me..
sorry about your beginnings, I also had similar experiences. I think maybe the void can be healed or attempted to be healed by finding peace, spiritual practice come to enpowerment with yourself, self love, then sex with whomever, however will be easier.