Recently I’ve been pretty self destructive. It’s my fault and I shouldn’t, because it’s you who wins when I do nonsense like this. But I’ve been going through the facebook page you had when you were with *James and I hurt myself by looking at the posts between the two of you. The love you shared for *Amelia on the day she was born and the holidays between then and when you relationship finally blew up. I’m jealous because I don’t have that yet. I’m jealous because that will never be a first between James and I. He’ll never again be excited for a “first” baby in the same way. I’m angry you got to have that and it meant so little to you that you threw it away for a pill or a needle.
The posts only last for 2.5 years. And I know that those were really the only ones that were relatively happy between you two, the first years of her life. The next 3 years were toxic, and in the last year you have a picture with James (that early February), he met me 8 months later.
I know it makes you angry he doesn’t want you anymore. That he isn’t at your beck and call. You’ve made me very much aware of that with how many times you’ve tried to claim he’s still sleeping with you. And yet, even when proven to be lying, you still call and text him repeatedly. But never to talk to Amelia. You never ask how she is unless it benefits you in some way. You try and manipulate his mother into taking care of you by using Amelia. And I swear to God I’ll never forgive you for the hope you’ve given that child based on lies and forcing her grandmother to agree to things you know James would never allow. You made her the bad guy. You did. You’re a real piece of shit for that.
Which is why today I feel like I don’t want to even allow you the name “mom” even if it is just “bio-mom.” All you did was give birth. You didn’t want to be her parent. You didn’t want to be there for the day to day. You didn’t want her, just like you didn’t want the 3 before her. And I know this because you didn’t see any of the others unless James helped you. You may have wanted Amelia while she was tiny and cute, but now she’s getting older and more beautiful by the day….and where are you?
As I sit here and type this, James is putting Amelia to bed. Something we do everyday, or something I do on the days James has to be at work. Did you know she is starting to read on her own? No, probably not. Your facebook posts boast about your “genius” baby and yet you truly do not know how smart she is. You don’t know that she is bad at math but loves school. You don’t know that she has no understanding of time, because her father makes too many jokes about time being a social construct. You don’t know that she lost her second front tooth (and the other is finally starting to come in). You don’t know that the cap on her bottom tooth is wearing. You don’t even know what school she’s going to or if she is even going to school because of Covid…because you’re not around.
You chose to not be around for her.
And here I am, getting goodnight kisses and hugs, and yet I know she’d still pick you in a heartbeat.
I try not to be bitter about that fact. Because, if roles were reversed, I’d wish I had my mom too. But it makes me so angry that you chose drugs over her.
But I choose her. I choose them both.
I truly hope you get off the drugs. But I want you to keep staying away. James and I prefer it and Amelia is better off without you.