And now we wait.

The ultrasound tech today was brilliant despite the news not being positive. I wish I had gone to this clinic and had her for my first ultrasound. She was very friendly, pleasant and professional. Since my requisition clearly stated “failed pregnancy?” I didn’t expect much bedside manner or detailed care; however, I received both. I suppose this kind of care would be good for the mental health of most people in our situation so I shouldn’t be surprised to receive it but I was. She asked me to tell her a bit about what brought us to this point. I explained the empty sac, then the decreasing hcg levels and said that we’re pretty sure it’s a no-go and this ultrasound was just to confirm so that we could move on to the next step with a clear conscience. She was empathetic and, while not overly optimistic, she clearly kept an open mind to seeing what the test showed instead of just looking for bad news (which is what I expected her to do).

She did the exterior version first which, not surprisingly, didn’t show much so I went pee and got set up for the vaginal inspection. The insertion was a non-issue for her whereas I found myself adjusting my position for the first tech during the first ultrasound to allow for easier entry. Today’s tech explained what she was doing while she did it – what we were looking at and what she was measuring. The first tech did none of this, was simply silent.

I said I would be very shocked if anything viable was in there at this point. I wanted her to feel comfortable telling me anything I wanted to know. She explained that she was measuring the sac and that there was something in it. I had expected there to only be the empty sac, frankly, so I was pleased to see a yolk sac and some lumpy bits around it. With a colourful version of the screen, she showed me that there was blood flow to my surrounding tissue but not to the embryo. She said that it had grown to about 1cm. I asked if it looked like it was supposed to and she said it did not. She also confirmed what I already assumed – that we should definitely be seeing a heartbeat at this stage.

Since hubby was unable to come with me due to covid, I asked if she would print out a photo. She had absolutely no problem doing that – I didn’t even have to pay for it. I think I wanted the picture more for myself than hubby, to be honest. I’m not sure why. Maybe just to prove to myself that there actually was something growing in there for a while. Also, if this is my only pregnancy, I wanted to be able to have one of those ultrasound photos like all the other women with viable embryos get. I guess. Something tangible to commemorate the experience? I dunno. Maybe it’s morbid but I was pleased to put it on the fridge when we got home.

From the ultrasound we went right in to see the OB. Still fantastic. He explained the photo to me in more detail when I asked. He was adamant that I did nothing wrong for this pregnancy to fail even though we don’t know exactly what happened. I don’t feel very guilty or sad or anything like that but it was satisfying to hear nonetheless. I asked how long it would take for the medication to start working to clear out my system – he replied, hours. He explained that filling a pad every half hour for 2 hours warrants a trip to the ER. He said to expect it to be painful. I said, I wasn’t that worried because I’ve had horrible periods since I was nine. He pointed out that I may have an emotional reaction once things start to come out which I had not really considered and which I think is utterly astounding for a male to understand let alone point out. I’ve had female doctors with less emotional IQ.  We have a follow up ultrasound and appointment with him in a week. I feel very well taken care of.

So, I’ve inserted the first dose of Misoprostol tablets and donned my new underwear with the hugest pad I could find. And now we wait.